Yoda Goes to Therapy with The Little Red Hen
The patient, Yoda
Mental health counselor, The Little Red Hen
The Little Red Hen’s Office
Little Red Hen: Come on in little fella’. Can you please hurry the hell up? What’s taking you so long, shorty?
Yoda: Couch, upon it, I cannot get.
LRH: Fine, just snuggle down here on the floor. Here, I’ll get you an egg to sit on. Bugawwwwwwwk! Ahhh. Here you go little guy.
Yoda: Egg, to sit upon are you asking me?
LRH: Duh! Sit your little warm ass down and incubate my kid. No reason you can’t be useful during our little visit. Now, what brings you to my office Mr. Yogi?
Yoda: Yoda, Mr. Yoda my name is.
LRH: What the hell kind of name is that? Yoda? Sheesh. Okay, Mr. Yoda. Before we begin let’s do our suicide check. Mr. Yoyo, do you feel the irresistible urge to harm yourself or anyone else?
Yoda: Ahhh…urge to harm, yes, yes.
LRH: Really, and who do you want to harm?
Yoda: Dark side, Yeeesss, evil forces, urge to conquer I have.
LRH: Cripes, this is way too much work. Can you just frigging bugawwwwk! Talk like a human?
Yoda: Ahh, but human I am not.
LRH: Okay already! Just frigging talk like an American then!
Yoda: I see. Like American talk will I, “Obama phone, I got me Obama phone.”
LRH: Never mind–just go back to talking like…where ever the hell you’re from. Do you have any suicidal thoughts?
Yoda: Hmm, suicidal thoughts I have not. Violence, my way is not. Sadness, shake off I cannot.
LRH: So, you feel sad. Well, you’re a stunted, homely green man with hairy ears and a major language impairment. You SHOULD feel sad! I would kill myself if I were you. Heh! Juuuuust kidding!
Yoda: (eyes well up) Yes, yes. Killing myself, now to my mind comes. Light saber, get it may I?
LRH: IT WAS A JOKE! Just sit down. Nobody is going to kill anything in my office. Besides, you have to keep that egg warm. Why do you feel sad Mr. Abba Zabba?
Yoda: Mr. Yoda. Ahhh, feel sad why do I? Rock band have I, problems, it has many.
LRH: Really, you have a bugaaawwwk! Rock band! What’s the name of your rock band? Heh, “The Mini Martians?” “The Greeniacs?” Oh, I got it, “The Boogers!” Ha!
Yoda: “Twisted Syntax” name of my rock band is.
LRH: Oh yeah, the irony is heavy man. I like it.
Yoda: Like it, you do?
LRH: Sure, sure. So, your rock band, “Twisted Syntax,” is having problems and you feel sad. What’s the problem with your rock band, Mr. Yodel?
Yoda: Problem, groupies, we have. Want my baby, they all do. Problem, yeessssss.
LRH: Hmmm, have you ever had sex with a groupie.
LRH: Cough it up Mr. Hoda! Have you ever banged your fans?
Yoda: No. Human, I am not. Parts of human, I have not.
LRH: That ordinarily doesn’t bother groupies.
Yoda: Working parts…I have not. Very old, I am.
LRH: Sure, you’re old, yet you can front for a band called “Twisted Syntax.” I think your depression goes deeper than this. Do you feel loved?
Yoda: Understand me, no one does. Grow annoyed with me, other Jedi do. Words, in wrong order are.
LRH: So, the “Twisted Syntax” thing…did you make that up? Are you just projecting your psychological pain on to a fictitious rock band in order to cope with just how annoying you are?
Yoda: (begins to cry) Yesss…Dark Side, much power it has. Deceived many I have. Many rock concert tickets to refund, I must.
LRH: There you go…let it all out. You have to feel it to heal it. Let me tell you what. I want you to come back to me every week. I can’t help the green thing, or the fact that you’re too short for the furniture, but I can help you feel loved. And…I’m going to refer you to Dr. Smeagol for elocution lessons.
Yoda: Electrocution? Master Jedi Yoda harmed by electrocution cannot be.
LRH: Elocution, silly, to help you overcome your annoying language patterns. Bugggawwwk! You are soooo cute! (pinches his cheeks). As for the lack of human parts…can’t help you there. But, if you have parts that don’t work I can refer you to Dr. Westheimer if you like.
Yoda: Jedi Master must focus, upon the material world, I must not. Upon the Force, yeeesssss.
LRH: Oh, and one bit of advice from Dr. Hen, that “yeeessss” thingy you do? You sound like a pervert when you do that. Can you just stop that please?
Yoda: Ahhh, yees…
LRH: STOP! STOP IT! BUGAWWWWWKKK!
Yoda: Hmmmm…try I will.
LRH: Good boy. Now, how’s junior? Do you feel any movement?
LRH: The egg! Is my egg ready to hatch? (peeping sounds are heard)
Yoda: (leaping off the egg) Hatching it is! (a tiny chick emerges)
LRH: Buggaawwwk! Bugbugbug bugawwwk! Junior! Well look at that! Isn’t he just as calm as could be!
Yoda: Ahhh, yee…
LRH: Watch it!
Yoda: Oops..ahem…ahhhh. Centered he is. Calm he is. Hmmm, Jedi material could he be? Bargain with you I will. Sessions with you will I trade to train up in Jedi ways, little chicken.
LRH: Well, you know Mr. Yabba Dabba, bartering is a tricky business, but let’s give it a try. It will help your self-image because, at least for awhile, there will be a Jedi that is shorter than you! Ha, HAHAHAHA!
Yoda: His name shall be Padawan “Pekan Crow.”
LRH: Okay, little fella. How would you rate today’s session, on a scale from one to far, far, away?
Yoda: Feel better, I do. Raise up little cock, I will.
LRH: Oy vey! Don’t forget to set your appointment on the way out with the receptionist, the Big Bad Wolf. Oh, and don’t worry about him. He had his lobotomy last month.
by Marjorie Haun 7/1/13