Yertle the Turtle Goes to Therapy with the Little Red Hen

October 9, 2013

hen and turtle

expert portraiture contributed by Rachael Haun

What would happen if a failed reptilian fascist despot sought psychological counseling from the world’s most famous Capitalist chicken? Find out now as Yertle the Turtle goes to therapy with the Little Red Hen.

Characters:  Mental Health Counselor the Little Red Hen, Wannabe dictator Yertle the Turtle

Setting: The Little Red Hen’s office

Doctor Little Red Hen: Okay, little green feller, come on in and take a seat.

Yertle the Turtle: I will, as soon as you bow down so that I can sit atop your back. Bow down now I say, and give me no flack!

LRH: Oh great.

YT: Get on your knees and become my chair. I’m the ruler of  the earth, I am creation’s heir! I am master of all that I see! The chaise lounge, the silk plants, the flat screen TV!

LRH: Please, not today…

YT: I’ll rise to the top, up, up, very high, where I’m master of wind, earth, sea and sky! I’ll…

LRH: Listen to me very closely you insignificant piece of maggot offal! You will sit where I tell you to sit, or I will peck you into a frigging pulp. DO YOU UNDERSTAND YOU BUGAWWWKING LITTLE GNAT?

YT: Oh, umm. Okay.

LRH: What brings you to my office Mr. Yertle?

YT: Well, I’m a little depressed, you know.

LRH: Uh hu. Go on.

YT: Rejected. Dejected. Down in the dumps, having fallen off a sky high pile of turtle humps.

LRH: (taking notes) Symptoms of “Seussian bad rhyming syndrome.” Go on, I’m listening.

YT: Well, you see, I had accomplished great things, risen to the top of my field…or pond, so to speak. But then, something happened. I really am devastated. I just can’t come to grips with it all, having risen so high, and then so great a fall!

LRH: First things first Mr. T. How did you get to the top of your pond, so to speak? To what accomplishments you are referring?

YT: I was the king of a blueberry patch, and king of a cow, and a mule!

LRH: Ah, I see, you ran for office and the turtles elected you.

YT: No, NO! I simply demanded that they get on one another’s back until they made a phenomenal stack. But the problem, you see, was a non-conformist named Mack.

LRH: You know, I dissected a turtle brain while in undergrad, and it was about the size of a booger.

YT: What? You don’t seem to understand. Everything was fine, until stupid old Mack started to whine.

LRH: Yeah, I hate whining. So, why are you here again?

YT: Mack, that little nothing destroyed my life! My life fell to shambles, and Mack ran away with my wife.  I’m so depressed. I feel so unloved!

LRH: That’s understandable. Nobody likes you. I personally find you repugnant.

YT: Where can I go? I’ve been banned from my pond, the seat of my power, of which I was quite fond.

LRH: How about Venezuela, or Liberia, or Buttcrackistan.

YT: I don’t understand…I came here for help, and you’re just, just so…so mean!

LRH: Look, booger-brain, you won’t get a lot of sympathy from me. You’re a deposed sniveling little dictator who literally climbed to the top on the backs of his countrymen. You have a text-book case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, with a side of Anti-social Personality Disorder, and a heaping spoonful of Borderline Personality Disorder, and for dessert, you’re really irritating.

YT: But, but, those problems…they show I wasn’t at fault. I’m a sick turtle, this is an unfair assault.

LRH: Listen kid. We’re not really getting anywhere with this. Let’s do a suicide check. Do you feel an urge to harm yourself or anyone else?

YT: Of course not. I’m a peaceful turtle.

LRH: Peaceful? Right. Crushing the backs of thousands of innocent turtles so you can have a good view is peaceful? Just to be sure, do you want to kill yourself.


LRH: No whining! What is your favorite color?

YT: Why do you ask?

LRH: Just a harmless little personality profile. Favorite dessert?

YT: Purple, and tiramisu.

LRH: Favorite car?

YT: Subaru.

LRH: Where did you go to school?

YT: U.C. Berkely.

LRH: Who did your parents vote for in the Presidential election of 1972?

YT: McGovern.

LRH: Political affiliation?

YT: Democrat.

LRH: BUUUUGAAAWK! I KNEW IT! I knew it, you deceptive little son of a bitch! There was no pond! There was no turtle stack! There was no flatulent turtle named Mack! You are a filthy little Democrat politician, aren’t you?

YT: Well, not exactly…..

LRH: You ran for office, got your corrupted turtle ass into a position of power, and proceeded to crush your constituents under the burdens of your lavish spending! YOU ARE A TAX AND SPEND TURTLE! Damn!

YT: But…but, it was for their own good. I was the best turtle you see. Being at the top is the only place for a turtle like me! I am smarter than the rest. Mack, the farter, couldn’t pass a test! Those turtles love me, I gave them all they had. I’m good, and righteous, not bad, no, never bad.

LRH: Enough! Put a bugaawwwking sock in it already! Mack did not fart and knock you off your turtle throne! You were voted out of office then you fell on your tailbone! Oh geeze—note to self: Find intervention for symptoms of Seussian Bad Rhyming Syndrome. This whole turtle pond thing is a fabrication, isn’t it? Okay, before I make you into a salad bowl, tell me just ONE thing about yourself that makes you worthy to breath air, one redeeming quality.

YT: Um…I have a liberal arts degree.

LRH: Sheesh. Nope, not impressed.

YT: Uhhh, gulp, I refuse to own guns because they are dangerous.

LRH: Fail. Where’s my “Salad and Turtle Soup” recipe book?

YT: Er…yikes…uh, I like little children?

LRH: Bugaaawwwk! Perv alert! Where’s my cleaver?

YT:  Okay already! Please…put down the cleaver!

LRH: Maybe I’ll just peck you to death.

YT: YAAAAUUUGH! Calm down. Put away your pecker!

LRH: That’s what she said.

YT: Hu?

LRH: This, you little green piece of pond scum, is NOT a pecker, it’s a beak. You get one more chance to redeem yourself, or I will scrape you out of that shell like an oyster.

YT: Okay, okay…I promise…that from now on…I will never, ever run for public office. How’s that?

LRH: And…

YT: This is extortion! Okay, I’ll move out of the pond.

LRH: Not good enough. Where the Tabasco sauce and horseradish?

YT: Okay….I’ll…I’ll, gulp. Vote Republican.

LRH: And…

YT: This is illegal! I’ll give money to the Tea Party (mumbling) criminy sakes!

LRH: Hmmm…well, Mr. Turtle, it looks like we made some good progress today. Our next step will be a little Reality Therapy.  It’s important for tin pot despots like you to see just how scary it is for the rest of us to be repressed by asshats. So…I’m going to put you up someplace very high, where you will have a great view of just about everything.

YT: Really…you would give me my back my wish, to be master of mammals, bugs and fish? You’d give me a vaunted place, where I would be master of every race?

LRH: No, you frigging sicko. I’m putting you to work protecting the privacy and safety of ordinary citizens. You’ll be working in Smokey Bear’s tower. Instead of a throne, you get to watch for drones. (to herself) Damn! I’m getting really good at this rhyming stuff!

YT: Smokey…uh, Bear?

LRH: Smokey will pick you up out front. You can’t miss him, big, furry brown guy. Big teeth, massive claws, bad temper, doesn’t see very well. You will work in his forest lookout tower until I feel certain that you have fully overcome the sick compulsion to control individuals with your petty police state, stealing their wealth through confiscation and taxation. You can come down when you understand that no turtle, no not one, can force free people into a dungeon. No green, loudmouth, two-bit dictator can take away that which is endowed by the Creator! You, little turtle, are not higher than the law. You’re just a booger-brained, fascist scofflaw. Now get over your depression, sad feelings of being alone, and get to work protecting free people from predator drones!

YT: Do bears eat turtles?

LRH: Probably. You will sit in the tower, scanning the sky for drones. Little Boy Blue will blow his horn if you sight anything suspicious, and, my favorite nephew, Chicken Little, will be armed with an RPG launcher just in case. Do not try to climb to power in Smokey’s tower, for if you do, you will become bear poo. Any questions?

YT: Erp….no, ma’am.

LRH: Good. Time’s up then. Don’t forget to make an appointment for next week with my receptionist. He’s a hare, goes by the name of “Greased Lightening.” Be very nice, he seems to have a really big chip on his shoulder about your kind.

by Marjorie Haun 10/9/13


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