Testimony From Capitol Hill on the Gay Marriage Bill
This is the actual transcript from today’s hearings on the gay marriage bill now being deliberated in the Colorado State House. Some names have been changed to protect the identities of innocent animals. Phlegm Birdbum, the House Judiciary Committee Chairman, presides.
Chairman Phlegm Birdbum: This hearing is called to order. Holy s***! It looks like we have quite a few witnesses here to testify on House Bill 69, so let’s get started. Will the representative for the first witness please come forward. Let’s see, who’s first on the docket here? Martha Publouse, you may introduce your clients.
Martha Publouse: Chairman Birdbum, Representatives, I am here today in behalf of Dick Richardson, Bonnie Hogg, Wynona Gremill, and Edema Swelter. My clients have ventured to this hallowed chamber today to make known their collective heartbreak in the hopes that an addendum to House Bill 69 might remedy their long suffering and frustrations.
Chairman Birdbum: Fine, who wants to go first?
Dick Richardson: Sir, honored committee people, my name is Dick Richardson and I am by profession a pipe layer. I am seeking redress for the injustice and mistreatment suffered because the law refuses to acknowledge the special relationship which I have with and among these three fine women.
Chairman Birdbum: Yeah, yeah, get on with it.
Dick Richardson: My Bonnie wants to speak.
Bonnie Hogg: Sir, I love my Dick and so I feel that HB 69 should be worded in such a way as to leave open the definition of marriage to include more than one spouse, if an individual so chooses.
Chairman Birdbum: Okay people, HB 69 simply removes discriminatory language from our civil statutes. It is not designed to facilitate this, um, unnatural arrangement.
Dick Richardson: Chairman Birdbum, I disagree with your portrayal of our arrangement as unnatural. The holy prophets of the Old Testament are examples of our very special and beautiful arrangement. God does not frown on a man being with a woman, and a woman, and another woman.
Wynona Gremill: Chairman Birdbum, us three women, we all love Dick and we all want to be lawfully married to him.
Edema Swelter: Yessir. We see nothing in HB 69 that would prevent us from being legally recognized as married under the law. We demand full recognition.
Bonnie Hogg: And, we all want to get his dental plan. See this tooth right here? My dentist said it’s dead. I gotta get it taken care of.
Dick Richardson: We regard each other as equal spouses and we demand that the law regard us the same way.
Chairman Birdbum: (wiping his brow) I see. This committee will take your grievances under consideration. You may step down. One moment please. Does anyone here have some Pepto? My stomach sure is jumpy! Hehe. All righty then! Bill Butterstump, you may come forward with your client.
Bill Butterstump: Thank you Chairman Birdbum, my name is Bill Butterstump and I am here representing my client who would like the committee to add a provision to the existing bill to acknowledge his, ummm, special situation. This is Curtis Wailer and his, er, mate. Curtis, go ahead.
Curtis Wailer: Chairman Birdbum, your honors and so forth, my name is Curtis Wailer and I feel that the current version of HB 69 discriminates against me and my beautiful sweetheart, Sheila.
Chairman Birdbum: Excuse me Curtis, Sheila is a goat.
Curtis Wailer: Yes she is, isn’t she. She’s an American Cashmere. So beautiful, so soft. I just love her so much and therefore I feel that inasmuch as HB 69 allows for the unusual situation of a guy marrying a guy or a girl marrying a girl, that I should be allowed to marry Sheila. You see, at least I’m a boy and she’s a girl.
Chairman Birdbum: But Curtis, you see, HB 69 is meant to facilitate humans in marrying the ones they love.
Curtis Wailer: ‘Scuse me sir, but the bill said nowheres that it was about a person marrying a person. All it said was that the law can’t discriminate against two parties who love each other. I read it, it don’t say nothin’ about it being only about people. My Sheila is the party who loves me and I love her. She keeps me warm at night. She cuddles me and sticks her muzzle…
Chairman Birdbum: Alright! That’s enough. You don’t have to go on about what you and Sheila do at night. Bailiff, would you go and get my inhaler please? I left it in my car. Counselor Butterstump, you can have Curtis Wailer and Sheila step down. But, wait just a minute. Would you bring Sheila up to the dais please. I sure would like to feel that pretty cashmere coat of hers.
Curtis Wailer: Ain’t she just irresistible! Now don’t you get to fond of her, ya hear?
Chairman Birdbum: (muttering) Cripes! What the hell is next? Okay folks, now please remember that this bill simply prohibits discriminatory practices against individuals of varied sexual orientations when it comes to marriage and whatnot under the law.
Liam Merryman: Chairman Birdbum, esteemed Representatives, my names is Liam Merryman and my clients are Cherry Septum, Charles Septum, Floyd Lisp and Belinda Schmou.
Chairman Birdbum: Excuse me Counselor Merryman, but I see only three individuals here and you said you were representing four. Did I miss something?
Liam Merryman: Oh no, not at all Chairman. Stand up Cherry. You see, Cherry and Charles Septum are this person here. Shehe is a transgendered mangirl.
Chairman Birdbum: (muttering) God help me. I’m afraid I don’t completely understand.
Liam Merryman: Cherry, you go ahead and explain your circumstances to the Chairman.
Cherry Septum: Thank you. Honored Chairman and all the rest, I’m in the process of becoming a woman, but you see, I’m not fully assimilated. I’m still a man while I’m a woman. Uhh, it’s a little difficult to describe. (begins to cry)
Chairman Birdbum: Ah, there, there honey…
Charles Septum: What the hell did you call me? Oh MY GOSH! I thought we were past the age of sexist bulls***!
Liam Merryman: Chairman, to make a long story short, Cherry and Charles are not fully integrated. Charles loves Floyd Lisp and Cherry loves Belinda Schmou.
Chairman Birdbum: Let me get this straight. Charles is gay and Cherry is a lesbian, but Charles is becoming Cherry so he, er, she can be with the opposite sex?
Cherry Septum: No, no! You don’t understand! Oh, it’s no use.
Charles Septum: Let me take it from here, Cherry. You see, I tried it with Belinda but Cherry kind of got in the way and stole her from me. Well Cherry liked Floyd but when she and Belinda started doing each other, I thought I would do Floyd, and it wasn’t bad.
Floyd Lisp: The point is Chairman, that we want to be together. Charles and I are a gay couple and we want to be married.
Belinda Schmou: And Cherry and I are a lesbian couple and we want to be married.
Cherry Septum: It would be inhuman for Charles and I not to have our marriages recognized under the law.
Charles Septum: Yes Chairman, we feel that HB 69 has language that accommodates our desire to be married.
Belinda Schmou: I am here to testify in behalf of House Bill 69. I give it my full support.
Floyd Lisp: And me too. I plead with this committee to take the full bill to the floor of the House and vote on it as soon as possible.
Cherry Septum: We can’t wait to finally be recognized as a married unit.
Charles Septum: Oh, my gosh. I’m going to cry.
Chairman Birdbum: Counselor Merryman, is there anything else your clients would like to say?
Liam Merryman: No Chairman. We just want to thank you and the fine representatives of the Colorado State House for taking the time to recognize that marriage is more than a stodgy old tradition that includes only one man and one woman. Marriage is an equal right for all. Marriage is all about love, after all. And love is all that matters.
Chairman Birdbum: Yeah, yeah. You may step down. I’m going to have to excuse myself for a bit. Bailiff, could you please steady my arm while I make my way to the men’s room. I feel a rectal aneurysm coming on. This hearing is in recess until I return. (under his breath) If I return.
by Marjorie Haun 1/10/14