THE BO NETWORK DATELINE: October 3, 2017
THE EVENING NEWS WITH RUSTY KOCH
Welcome to the Barack Obama Network and the Evening News, where Spin is in and the Truth has moved to Duluth. Our newscast tonight begins in the State of Alaska where the state legislature has just passed comprehensive broad control. You heard me right, Alaska is banning broads from living in the state. This seemingly drastic development has arisen from a chronic shortage of women in the manly state of Alaska. Just last year the same legislature attempted to address an epidemic of barroom brawls, jealously killings, and crimes of passion–apparently exacerbated by the fact that to every woman in Alaska there are 43 men–by banning women’s breasts. After finding the breast control measure difficult to enforce and that it had little effect on men killing each other over women, Alaska has taken the bold action of banning women altogether from the state. Whether or not this Broad Control measure will mitigate barroom violence and hunting accidents remains to be seen.
Before we go to break, the Barack Obama Network extends an apology to our viewers who may have difficulty hearing our recent broadcasts. After our Anchor, Virginia Beaver’s, unfortunate accident in which she mistook her lapel mic for a cockroach, and tried to drown it in the sink–thus leading to her electrocution and permanent disfigurement–lapel mics, and all electronic equipment has been banned from the news desk. Again we apologize. And now, a message from our sponsor, “The Pointy Object Kitchen Crusher.”
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Welcome back. Our next story takes us on a blast to the past to the 1960s! Remember that fabulous musical quartet, the Mama’s and the Papa’s? It has long been rumored that the untimely death of Mama Cass was caused when she gagged on a dry ham sandwich. Well, on a sad note what was once thought to be an urban legend has been proven true. It seems that Camden, New Jersey has been hit with an epidemic of dry ham sandwich deaths, and the rumor about Mama Cass is more than just a fatty joke. The Mayor of Camden, Bill Maher, and the Governor of New Jersey, Monica Lewinsky, have just drafted an initiative that would suspend the sales of ham sandwiches until a proper investigation can take place. According to Governor Lewinsky’s spokesman, all bread, bread-like products, food in the shape of a slice of bread, and all objects that resemble the lethal slices of bread will be banned. President Obama, just entering into his third term indicated in a press conference earlier today that he would do everything in his power to ban the products that have injured and killed ham sandwich consumers, and that he would punish the perpetrators of such reprehensible food.
And in our final story, school place violence, once thought to be a thing of the past, has again reared its ugly head. For a little background let us remember that following the 2013 repeal of the 2nd Amendment and President Obama’s executive order banning all firearms, including handguns, rifles, airguns, paintball guns, popguns, bars of soap that could be carved into the shape of a gun, ammunition, clips, magazines, holsters, scopes, and gunracks, Americans thought that gun violence had ended once and for all. Gun violence, for a time, all but disappeared in those areas where the populations of cows and squirrels far outnumber people, but the inner-cities, suburbs, outburbs, farmburbs, and caves and treehouse communities have had to contend with upticks in crimes involving pointy objects, blunt objects, heavy objects, irritating objects, fast moving objects, and spit. The city of Chicago is quite possibly the greatest success story following the Obama Gun Ban of 2013, having seen absolutely no gun violence in 2014 and 2015, because of course the entire population of Chicago is dead, having been killed by people with illegal guns.
Keeping these gun ban successes in mind, a disturbing trend has arisen in schoolyards across the country in which little boys, usually between the ages of 5 and 9, have been pointing their index fingers at other students, and curving their thumbs to resemble the hammers of pistols. Horrifyingly the little boys will make a ‘popping’ sound similar to “BANG BANG” as they imitate the sound of a gun being fired. This behavior, once hidden, is becoming more prevalent and teachers report being frightened by this “gun play” on the parts of their male students. Sharma Warbler, a courageous city councilman in Oakland, California, in an attempt to address this problem proactively has crafted a new ordinance that she hopes will end the problem of pretend gun violence once and for all. The Oakland City Council voted unanimously to immediately require that all boys, ages 9 and under, have their thumbs surgically removed so that this disturbing and frightening behavior will no longer disrupt the peace of Oakland’s elementary schools.
Thank you for joining me this evening for the Barack Obama Network news. This is Rusty Koch signing off until tomorrow. In the meantime, don’t do anything that might get you hurt. I mean it, don’t do anything.
by Marjorie Haun 10/3/13