Human Heart


Let’s Turn Colorado RED in 2012!

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Capitalist @ ConservativeShir

February 13, 2012

Hey kiddies, are you ready to play another round of backstabbing, son of a b****, scum sucking wretch Mad Lib-erals? Well, it’s that time of year when every freakin’ heartache, rejection, and romantic failure comes back to haunt women like me, so what the heck! Let’s make a commitment to do it right, and if we work really hard and love each other it will turn out fine.

Human Heart

You want my heart for Valentine's Day? Here, it's yours!

Now relax, I’m not going to hurt you with this. Take a deep breath and just put your choice of silly words into the blank to make a hysterical sentence. For example:  The “Brat Pack” ______ (star, victim, sucker) from the 1980s, Demi Moore, was recently ______ (scorned, betrayed, victimized) by her ______ (low life, cheating, pig-humping) husband, Ashton Kutcher.  Kutcher was apparently ______ (playing jump rope, having sex, buttering his toast) with a number of other ______ (slut dogs, hobags, women) when Moore decided to ______ (butterfly, leave, filet) him. When it was confirmed that her ______ (loser, whore monger, douchebag) was cheating on her, Demi Moore quickly served him with ______ (his testicles, his still beating heart, divorce papers) and moved to ______ (a nunnery, Rarotonga, her mother’s basement).

See there. It’s not hard at all, (that’s what she said) unless you’re a skunk sniffing, sheep greasing piece of oozing rubbish just like the last loser who just didn’t seem to have a clue! Not to worry. You’re a frickin’ genius. Now let’s play Scorned Woman Valentine Mad Lib-erals!

Right next door in ______ (Aspen, Colorado, Monkey Box, Florida, Hooker Hole, Louisiana) super ______ (bartender, model, fly), Heidi Klum had a very bad ______ (avalanche, kneecap, weekend) with her husband, pop ______ (corn, eye, singer), Seal.  Apparently the two ______ (lovers, turkey basters, eyelash curlers) split up due to ______ (narwhal’s, penguin’s, Seal’s) uncontrollable _____ (organ, temper, guitar).  Klum was quoted saying that “she had tolerated his ______ (toe sucking, nose hairs, temper tantrums) for a very long time and is now ready to move on with her ______ (throw rugs, life, Brazilian wax).”  ______ (beluga, Seal, Anakin Skywalker) was ______ (devastated, in the bar, free at last, thank God Almighty, free at last) by the announcement, and said he would spend the remainder of his ______ (vasectomy, cafe au lait, vacation) in ______ (Dickshooter, Idaho, Aspen, Colorado, Horneytown, North Carolina) licking his ______ (wounds, therapist, warm puppy) and enjoying the ______ (minors, slopes, hotel maids).

In a very sad story, master ______ (sax, poker, tiddly winks) player ______ (Katherine the Great, Kenny G., Atticus Finch) broke up with his ______ (wife, drool bucket, nail fungus) after many years of ______ (ride ‘n’ tie, marriage, directional drilling). Mrs. Kenny G. gave no reason for the _____ (fracking, hair cut, break up) other than the fact that she didn’t like her husband’s ______ (music, looks, ringlets).  After many years of ______ (snake milking, defibrillation, marriage) she says she grew ______ (tulips, tired, saddle bags) of his constant ______ (practicing, hand flapping, fish mongering) and wanted someone different and ______ (human, attractive, heterosexual) in her life.  Word has it that ______ (Jack Torrance, Colonel Kurtz, Kenny G.) has taken a job as a ______ (look alike, doppelganger, body double) for the ______ (Winnebago, chairman, toupee) of the ______ (Democratic, cleptomaniac, archeopteryx) National Committee, ______ (Mini Me, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, Jean Paul Marat).  Will the world miss the ______ (tub thumping, saxophone playing, diaper changing) of Kenny G.?  His former wife said she would rather be ______ (eaten by squirrels, stretched on a rack, dipped in boiling paraffin) than endure another ______ (saxophone, tax and spend, sexual) encounter with her ______ (ex, axe, tic tacs) husband.

You did it! You actually finished at the right time. Congratufrickinglations, you’re not as brain-dead as you look! Now go enjoy your little Valentine’s Day date with that ______ (filthy, trashy, hideous) woman you left me for, you ______ (s*** for brains, loser, dog walker).  I hope you ______ (puncture a lung, sustain fatal injuries, choke on mashed potatoes) on this fun and romantic holiday.  Now getoutta my face you ______ (sissy, sniveling creep, cheating animal) and don’t forget to ______ (pay me the money you owe me, join me, prepare to die) next month when we play another ______ (heart breaking, painful, miserable) game of Mad Lib-erals!

By Marjorie Haun 2/13/12

  1. Well,Wasn’t That Special.Did I Do All That? Yep,That Heart Looks Like Mine Only Missing The Five Stents.

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