SCORNED WOMAN VALENTINE MAD LIB-ERALS
Let’s Turn Colorado RED in 2012!
Now relax, I’m not going to hurt you with this. Take a deep breath and just put your choice of silly words into the blank to make a hysterical sentence. For example: The “Brat Pack” ______ (star, victim, sucker) from the 1980s, Demi Moore, was recently ______ (scorned, betrayed, victimized) by her ______ (low life, cheating, pig-humping) husband, Ashton Kutcher. Kutcher was apparently ______ (playing jump rope, having sex, buttering his toast) with a number of other ______ (slut dogs, hobags, women) when Moore decided to ______ (butterfly, leave, filet) him. When it was confirmed that her ______ (loser, whore monger, douchebag) was cheating on her, Demi Moore quickly served him with ______ (his testicles, his still beating heart, divorce papers) and moved to ______ (a nunnery, Rarotonga, her mother’s basement).
See there. It’s not hard at all, (that’s what she said) unless you’re a skunk sniffing, sheep greasing piece of oozing rubbish just like the last loser who just didn’t seem to have a clue! Not to worry. You’re a frickin’ genius. Now let’s play Scorned Woman Valentine Mad Lib-erals!
Right next door in ______ (Aspen, Colorado, Monkey Box, Florida, Hooker Hole, Louisiana) super ______ (bartender, model, fly), Heidi Klum had a very bad ______ (avalanche, kneecap, weekend) with her husband, pop ______ (corn, eye, singer), Seal. Apparently the two ______ (lovers, turkey basters, eyelash curlers) split up due to ______ (narwhal’s, penguin’s, Seal’s) uncontrollable _____ (organ, temper, guitar). Klum was quoted saying that “she had tolerated his ______ (toe sucking, nose hairs, temper tantrums) for a very long time and is now ready to move on with her ______ (throw rugs, life, Brazilian wax).” ______ (beluga, Seal, Anakin Skywalker) was ______ (devastated, in the bar, free at last, thank God Almighty, free at last) by the announcement, and said he would spend the remainder of his ______ (vasectomy, cafe au lait, vacation) in ______ (Dickshooter, Idaho, Aspen, Colorado, Horneytown, North Carolina) licking his ______ (wounds, therapist, warm puppy) and enjoying the ______ (minors, slopes, hotel maids).
In a very sad story, master ______ (sax, poker, tiddly winks) player ______ (Katherine the Great, Kenny G., Atticus Finch) broke up with his ______ (wife, drool bucket, nail fungus) after many years of ______ (ride ‘n’ tie, marriage, directional drilling). Mrs. Kenny G. gave no reason for the _____ (fracking, hair cut, break up) other than the fact that she didn’t like her husband’s ______ (music, looks, ringlets). After many years of ______ (snake milking, defibrillation, marriage) she says she grew ______ (tulips, tired, saddle bags) of his constant ______ (practicing, hand flapping, fish mongering) and wanted someone different and ______ (human, attractive, heterosexual) in her life. Word has it that ______ (Jack Torrance, Colonel Kurtz, Kenny G.) has taken a job as a ______ (look alike, doppelganger, body double) for the ______ (Winnebago, chairman, toupee) of the ______ (Democratic, cleptomaniac, archeopteryx) National Committee, ______ (Mini Me, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, Jean Paul Marat). Will the world miss the ______ (tub thumping, saxophone playing, diaper changing) of Kenny G.? His former wife said she would rather be ______ (eaten by squirrels, stretched on a rack, dipped in boiling paraffin) than endure another ______ (saxophone, tax and spend, sexual) encounter with her ______ (ex, axe, tic tacs) husband.
You did it! You actually finished at the right time. Congratufrickinglations, you’re not as brain-dead as you look! Now go enjoy your little Valentine’s Day date with that ______ (filthy, trashy, hideous) woman you left me for, you ______ (s*** for brains, loser, dog walker). I hope you ______ (puncture a lung, sustain fatal injuries, choke on mashed potatoes) on this fun and romantic holiday. Now getoutta my face you ______ (sissy, sniveling creep, cheating animal) and don’t forget to ______ (pay me the money you owe me, join me, prepare to die) next month when we play another ______ (heart breaking, painful, miserable) game of Mad Lib-erals!
By Marjorie Haun 2/13/12