Cute Kittens Against Socialism is broadcasting this Public Service Announcement on “National Dog Day” to warn the millions of Americans currently being infiltrated by dogs, and influenced by their propaganda, that your mental health may be in grave danger.
The following study was formulated by the same researchers who brought you “global warming,” “Mermaid: The Body Found,” and “the ‘G’ spot.”
This research was funded by the “Tapeworm Foundation,” “The Toxoplasmosis Society,” and “Too Cute: Puppies with Diarrhea.” Not one cent of Koch-brothers money went into any phase of this investigation which explores the political leanings of dogs. And, finally, the sponsor of this groundbreaking study, “Cute Kittens Against Socialism,” promise that not one iota, not one itty bit, not one friggin’ flea speck of bias influenced its outcome.
Abstract: This research was conducted in response to the ongoing debate about who really is man’s best friend. Since behavior and political ideology are intimately connected, Cute Kittens Against Socialism commissioned this study with the goal of providing information to Americans about what influences are coming into the homes of unsuspecting dog owners. Evidence that dogs are often found on Democrat voter rolls brought forth the hypothesis that Americans with dogs are more liberal because their pets are Socialists.
Findings: Vast differences between Canis Domesticus and Felis Domesticus exist in the following behavioral domains:
Dependency vs. Self-reliance
- Dogs are completely dependent on humans and other dogs to take care of their needs, from doggie biscuits to emotional security, therefore their relationship to humans is comparable to living as welfare recipients. Dogs are incapable of doing anything without being commanded. Left to their own devices, dogs will starve and die of depression while waiting for their masters to provide for them instead of getting off their canine butts and obtaining of their own food and addressing their own emotional emptiness. Dogs are sometime co-dependent and will stay with inadequate and/or abusive humans because they have no sense of individuality. Clearly, dogs are Socialists.
- Cats, even those with employees who feed them on a regular basis, continuously hone their hunting skills and are fully capable of finding food for themselves when the kibbles run out. Cats are not emotionally needy, and seek closeness only when they want something warm to rub against or need a scratch under the chin. Cats are rugged individualists who refuse to be commanded, ruled, or any way controlled by forces other than their own whim. Cats easily leave inadequate and/or abusive masters, seeking for those circumstances which most benefit their individual needs. Cats are also generous and will share their hunting quarries with their employees in the form of the occasional mouse or blue jay left just outside the back door. Cats are obviously conservative.
Utopian Delusions vs. Reality
- Dogs chase cars. Dogs chase their tails. Dogs display many behaviors generated by the delusional premise that “wanting something to be a certain way will make it so,” which is a universal theme in all Socialist theories. Dogs, despite their dependency and inadequacy as individuals, have a grandiose sense of self and an unrealistic notion that they can alter reality in order to overcome their personal deficiency. Dogs howl at the moon to make it go away. Does it go away? No. Dogs pretend large moving vehicles are prey. Who is the real predator in dog vs. automobile, hu? Dogs, like Socialists, will always try to undo reality to fit their delusional worldview, why? Because it makes them feel special, that’s why. Dogs are therefore Socialists.
- Cats are firmly pinned to the Barcalounger of reality. Cats observe and analyze the world, formulating strategies to meet their goals. Cats don’t chase cars. Cats howl only to warn away interlopers. Cats don’t play pretend like dogs and Socialists. Cats understand and live by the natural order of things. Cats are therefore conservative.
Pack vs. Feral Colony
- Dogs have a strong psychological need to be part of a group. They are incapable of independent action or thought. Dogs, without the constraints of a human family, will join a pack. Dogs are like lemmings, only worse because they eat their own poop. Whatever the leader of the pack does, the rest will do. Dog packs are filthy, constantly on the move, ruled by appetite, dangerous, killing randomly, as much for thrill as for food. Packs of dogs are like mindless masses of moving mange, similar to low-information Liberals and Democrat stoners who vote in lock-step with the hound that yips the loudest and longest. Pack dogs are Socialist-leaning Democrat voters.
- Cats are by nature solitary hunters. They follow the Natural Law of the jungle, in their pursuit of life, liberty, and the perfect mouse. Cats may form feral colonies in the absence of human care, but feral colonies are orderly, regulated by matriarchal pussy cats who act in the best interests of the kittens. Feral colonies are self-sufficient and do not waste. The hunters within the colony carry out their tasks and share their kills with all in the colony. Cat colonies are stable, and provide beneficial supports to all generations within the colony. Feral cat colonies are well-ordered conservative organizations.
Eating Poop vs. Burying Your Poop
- One of the most puzzling findings in this study was the high number of Democrats who allow dogs to give them open-mouthed French kisses. Surely they understand that dogs eat poop. Dogs eat their own poop. They eat the poop of other dogs. They even eat the poop of other species. The eat maggoty poop. They recycle poop by eating poop, pooping poop, eating poop, and pooping poop in an endless digestive cycle. Dogs roll in poop. They roll on and around the festering carcasses of dead things. They roll in trash, especially that which contains bloody offal and stuff that smells like zombie farts. Dogs never attempt to keep themselves clean. Dogs are the canine version of the Occupy Movement; Occupy the dog park, Occupy the Port-o-let, Occupy the Landfill, Occupy Roadkill. Dogs regard personal hygiene as a phony bourgeois imposition upon the natural state. Dogs smell like Socialists.
- Cats are highly hygiene-conscious. Cats clean every square inch of their bodies by twisting into impossible positions and licking, licking, grinning, and licking. Cats have a natural antiseptic in their saliva that acts simultaneously as an anti-bacterial agent and pleasant cologne. Cats are offended and embarrassed by poop. Cats instinctively bury their poop. They feel great remorse if their poop ends up somewhere it doesn’t belong. Cats won’t eat food within several yards of poop. Cats avoid the poop of other animals. And cats avoid festering dead things because they like their meat fresh and sweet. Cats have a sense of pride in their personal appearance. Cats are clean-cut and attractive. Cats are athletic and fit. Cats smell like personal liberty. Cats are undoubtedly conservative.
Conclusions: Dogs are drooling, pea-brained Socialists which have undue influence over their masters, often causing them to adopt their dependent and slovenly ways. The commissioners of this study, Cute Kittens Against Socialism, strongly cautions its readers against falling for the whole “cute, fuzzy, cuddly puppy” scam. It is a contrivance by Leftists in media and culture who simply want four-legged, pathetic Socialists infiltrating every home in the nation. Don’t buy it. Cats are man’s best friend. Cats are freedom’s best friend.
by Marjorie Haun