Shock! Study Proves Dogs are Socialists and Cats are Conservatives

Cute Kittens Against Socialism is broadcasting this Public Service Announcement on “National Dog Day” to warn the millions of Americans currently being infiltrated by dogs, and influenced by their propaganda, that your mental health may be in grave danger.

The following study was formulated by the same researchers who brought you “global warming,” “Mermaid: The Body Found,” and “the ‘G’ spot.”


This research was funded by the “Tapeworm Foundation,” “The Toxoplasmosis Society,” and “Too Cute: Puppies with Diarrhea.” Not one cent of Koch-brothers money went into any phase of this investigation which explores the political leanings of dogs. And, finally, the sponsor of this groundbreaking study, “Cute Kittens Against Socialism,” promise that not one iota, not one itty bit, not one friggin’ flea speck of bias influenced its outcome.

Abstract: This research was conducted in response to the ongoing debate about who really is man’s best friend. Since behavior and political ideology are intimately connected, Cute Kittens Against Socialism commissioned this study with the goal of providing information to Americans about what influences are coming into the homes of unsuspecting dog owners. Evidence that dogs are often found on Democrat voter rolls brought forth the hypothesis that Americans with dogs are more liberal because their pets are Socialists.

Findings: Vast differences between Canis Domesticus and Felis Domesticus exist in the following behavioral domains:

Dependency vs. Self-reliance

Utopian Delusions vs. Reality


Pack vs. Feral Colony

Eating Poop vs. Burying Your Poop

Conclusions: Dogs are drooling, pea-brained Socialists which have undue influence over their masters, often causing them to adopt their dependent and slovenly ways. The commissioners of this study, Cute Kittens Against Socialism, strongly cautions its readers against falling for the whole “cute, fuzzy, cuddly puppy” scam. It is a contrivance by Leftists in media and culture who simply want four-legged, pathetic Socialists infiltrating every home in the nation. Don’t buy it. Cats are man’s best friend. Cats are freedom’s best friend.

by Marjorie Haun 


  1. scott yagemann

    Marjorie, that is hilarious. I love it. Although I don’t think cats are that fantastic (only because I am allergic and a man – I know, lot of men like cats – but real men, let’s be serious). Great job. This has to accompany the calendar for next year that I hope you publish.

  2. Daniel

    I am a conservative dog owner, and I have to completely agree. My late German shepherd held on to his full blown communists ideology well into his older years, and was in complete shock to learn that he didn’t receive social security and medicaid for doing nothing but chasing a ball and getting belly rubs his whole life. He was a strong supporter of the OWS movement, though he would never travel to New York on his own to be apart of it because he didn’t prefer tight city environments, and would have separation anxiety if he had to go anywhere without me.

    I loved that dog though. It goes to show that we can get along with the other side of the political scale, just as long as they don’t ever talk.

    • Thank you. It’s a bold move to support this cutting edge research!

    • Mary Olkowski

      Love it Daniel. 😉

    • Here is what you do.Phase 1.Sue the power company for domestic terrorism and race-gender dimnnisiratioc. Let it simmer in their legal affairs dept.Phase 2.Get local TV and radio news on your property. Do interviews and cry a lot. You have good reason, they are ruining your health, home, property, and business. Let it simmer in their PR dept.Phase 3.A settlement offer will arrive within weeks. Don’t worry about court costs, there will be none. Your lawyer will know the game.

  3. Mary Olkowski

    Very clever and fun, Marjorie. I happen to prefer cats for the very reasons found in your study. I did however, have an ornery cat that would pop in one of my shoes the night before I’d get ready for school. And she did this so well getting right in the toe of the shoe where it couldn’t be seen but, only felt when I’d slide my foot into the shoe. This I came to learn was my punishment for not petting her at least once the day before. She’d also hear my boyfriend (no husband) coming up the road and would park herself right in the middle of the street in front of his car forcing him to have to get out of the car, pick her up, put her into the car and complete his way to my house. She lived up to the name I gave her TBRP Tilly Beatrise Ragmuffin Pill = Tilly for short. 😉

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