December 18, 2013
Don’t misunderestimate Santa Pork’s obsession with gay male sex. The National Institutes of Health once spent $1.4 million to study the behavior of male prostitutes in Vietnam.
Hey kiddies, the anticipation leading up to Christmas morning is one of the most thrilling things you can imagine, hu? There are few celebrations that bring greater joy than sitting around with your defective relatives and tearing into bags of antelope jerky, endless gift boxes with pepper jelly and summer sausage, and flashing light underpants. Santa Claus seems to be the best guy ever! He’s just so generous and thoughtful. But, guess what, Santa Claus’ evil twin, Santa Pork, is much, MUCH, more generous than his puny brother. Santa Pork gives big things like soccer fields, bridges, and lots of money to researchers who like to study deviant sex. And guess what else? Santa Pork does it all with your money. Here is a glimpse at Santa Pork’s Christmas gift list:
- For Khalid, Osama, Ayman, Muhammed, and all their little friends, Santa Pork is building a brand new $750,000 soccer field for them at Guantanamo Bay. Santa Pork would never leave those “nice” little boys off his Christmas list!
- For Budiman, Handoko, Sukarno and hundreds, maybe thousands, of their little Indonesian friends, Santa Pork is spending between 16 and 20 million dollars to make sure they get their Master’s Degrees. In Indonesia!
- Santa Pork is giving $175,587 to researchers so they can determine if cocaine makes Japanese quail engage in risky sexual behavior. Ho, boy, Santa Pork, the race will not advance until we find out if blow makes quail do the nasty dance.
- Our favorite fat Auntie, Fanny Mae asked Santa Pork for a stocking full of bailout! Awww, what the heck! $4.6 billion, BILLION, is nothin’ to Santa Pork. Whadda you wanna bet fat Aunt Fanny gets what she wants?
- Those lucky Dairy Farmers in New Hampshire are getting $700,000 from Santa Pork so they can study methane gas emissions from their cows. Golly gee, Santa Pork, I could stand behind a cow and smell its farts for a lot less than that!
- Dooood! Santa Pork gave the University of California at Santa Cruz $615,000 so they could digitally recreate Grateful Dead paraphernalia. Oh man, I hope Santa Pork’s gift to those cool cats at UC Santa Cruz doesn’t go up in smoke!
- Santa Pork has such a soft spot in his over-sized, fatty heart for sexual deviants that he just couldn’t resist giving $2.6 million of your dollars to train Chinese prostitutes how to drink responsibly. Maybe Santa Pork is just making China a more suitable place for the Secret Service to visit.
- Santa Pork really depends on those faithful Postal Service bureaucrats to keep the conduits of pork open so the undeserving can use your money in ways you would never dream of! He gave those good little girls and boys at the government-run Postal Service $13,500 to get a tasty dinner at Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse.
- Santa Pork really likes the Northern climes, where his not-evil twin lives. You know, the North Pole and all. (Evil Santa Pork lives in Hawaii most of the year.) He once gave Alaska Airlines $500,000 to paint a Chinook salmon on the side of a Boeing 737. Word has it he wouldn’t give his brother $300 to get his sleigh painted at Maaco.
- Speaking of pink salmon, Santa Pork paid researchers $400,000 to find out why gay men in Argentina engage in risky sexual behavior when they are drunk. Golly gee, Santa Pork, isn’t that the point? Duh!
- Don’t underestimate Santa Pork’s obsession with gay male sex. The National Institutes of Health once spent $1.4 million to study the behavior of male prostitutes in Vietnam.
- Santa Pork really likes food, and, as we have seen, he likes Indonesians too. He once gave $100,000 to promote a “Celebrity Chef Fruit Promotion Road Show” in Indonesia. Those Indonesians sure must be good boys and girls!
- Finally, in what looks like a confluence of Santa Pork’s obsession with men’s junk, and his affinity for sending our money overseas to enhance everyone else’s sex lives, he recently spent $800,000 to study the impact of a “genital-washing program” on men in South Africa. Somebody might want to warn the Secret Service that it looks like their next junket is going to be in South Africa.
There you have it, kiddies, Santa Pork’s short list for Christmas giving. Don’t waste your time looking to see if your name is on this list. It doesn’t matter if you’re naughty or nice. If you’re an ordinary boy or girl who abides the law and pays your taxes, there is no friggin’ way Santa Pork is ever going to do something to make your life better. Merry Christmas, suckers! by Marjorie Haun 12/19/13