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Capitalist @ ConservativeShir

January 17, 2012

Hey kiddies, it’s 2012 and we have just a few months left to live out our pitiful human existences.  Life is brutal, ugly, and short, so let’s make the best of the worst and play a round of POW! BAM! BIF! Mad Lib-erals!

Don’t be afraid. It’s easy. Just take a sentence and make it silly, silly, silly by inserting your choice of utterly irrational words into the blanks. For example:

The recent Republican ______ (debates, punkin’ chunkin’, eye gouges) have drawn big _____ (flies, shoe laces, audiences) full of people who like ______ (politics, samurai movies, raw meat). Of particular interest are the ______ (friendly, gladiatorial, blood spattered) exchanges between ______ (pooty pants, Neutered, Tootsie) Gingrich and ______ (twit, Tiddly Winks, Mittens) Romney.  These men in ______ (suits, spandex, green jello) can be surprisingly ______ (limber, tan, vicious) when it comes to personal ______ (massages, in-grown hairs, attacks). It makes one ______ (wonder,grunt, twitch) whether or not there will be a Republican ______ (psephologist, nominee, flight attendant) left ______ (posing, quivering, standing) to take on ______ (Glock, Barack, warlock) Obama in the general ______ (election, depression, infection).

There you have it. Just put on your sparring helmet, mouth guard, and boxing gloves, and let’s play POW! BAM! BIF! Mad Lib-erals!

The big news this week comes from ______ (Halfcrapistan, Afghanistan, Flashdanceistan) where four, young, American ______ (Marines, heroes, patriots) killed some ______ (goat hugging, mud sucking, Taliban) enemies. In an effort to improve the _____ (odor, facial hair, wardrobe) of the ______ (goner, dead, extinct) Taliban ______ (dogs, fighters, swine), the Marines ______ (wizzed, tap-danced, expectorated) on their ______ (tackle boxes, corpses, crock pots).  GOP presidential ______ (hopeful, inmate, patient) Ron Paul protested the actions of the Marines by saying that ______ (river dancing, taffy pulling, piddling) on Islamic extremists was ______ (minty fresh, disrespectful, morbidly obese), and that the Marines should ______ (apologize, knit one pearl two, deliver pizza) to the families of the dead ______ (port o’ lets, action figures, dog floggers). Ron Paul was later taken to a ______ (King Soopers, psych ward, pole dancer convention) where he was ______ (evaluated, drawn and quartered, pink bellied) by a team of ______ (kewpie dolls, oyster shuckers, psychologists) and pronounced _______ (very old, incompetent, incontinent) and released to the care of his son ______ (Patsy, Rand, McNally).

In a story not for the ______ (squeamish, Republican, agrizoophobic) it was reported that an explosion in the ______ (Ron Paul supporter, jock sniffer, rat) population has occurred alongside the ______ (regurgitate, Occupy, bankrupt) Washington D.C. movement.  A new ______ (species, liverwort, political party) of rodent has been identified as part of this ______ (meatloaf, rat, Swamp People) population explosion. Its scientific name is ______ (Rattus Bluemangroupicus, Rattus Alecbaldwinicus, Ratatattatus) but it will be commonly known as ______ (filthy nasty rodent, Alan Colmes,  the cast of The View).

As the South Carolina GOP Primaries draw ______ (near, flies, the blinds), political organizations known as “Super ______ (scrotums, PACs, nose hairs)” have produced ______ (neutron bombs, ganglion cysts, political ads) designed to reveal the ______ (man boobs, political errors, ugly babies) of the opposing ______ (candidates, pot heads, bra fitters). These ______ (supernumerary nipples, ads, daisy chains) have had the ______ (dialectical, infectious, unexpected) effect of making the ______ (Jack Russel terriers, politicians, ginger snaps) they are supposed to help, look like a ______ (cruise ship, barnyard, petri dish) full of ______ (horses, hens, pigs) ______ (posteriors, anal clefts, rumps).

So there you have it! Another ______ (infected, enlightening, nauseating) week in the ______ (news, outhouse, adenoids) made even more ______ (oozing, inflamed, contagious) with a ______ (barnacled, crenelated, happy) round of POW! BAM! BIF! Mad Lib-erals!  Please ______ (fear, squeeze, join) me next time the ______ (sphincter, media, colonic) offers up another delicious buffet of ______ (verbs, parasites, sputtum) and ______ (nouns, abscesses, latex gloves) with which to ______ (slaughter, mangle, disfigure) the English language.

By Marjorie Haun 1/17/12

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