POLLSTER’S SINISTER SECRETS REVEALED
A large frontal lobe is not guaranteed just because a being happens to look, walk, and dress like a human. But most of us with frontal lobes spend our time scratching the overlying tissues that protect those frontal lobes whenever we are confronted with a poll. Call them what you may–opinion polls, surveys, taking the national pulse–they never seem to make sense. They simply do not fit the reality which those of us with fully-developed brains navigate continuously. Just yesterday an intrepid blogger with The National Sputum, Nathan Splotzgrinder, uncovered documents which reveal techniques used by pollsters that produce the absurd results which cause that pernicious scalp itch. Trollop, America’s oldest and most trusted polling organization, may not be so accurate in their national “pulse taking” after all.
Below is a sample of questions from a poll taken by Trollop in September, 2012, regarding the Presidential Debate between Mitt Romney and President Obama.
Please circle your response to the following questions:
1. Did you approve of President Barack Obama’s performance at the first presidential debate? (1) highly approve (2) approve (3) approve with muy gusto (4) approved so much I peed my pants
2. Did you find President Obama’s use of the word “I” effective? (1) highly effective (2) amazingly effective (3) effective (4) oatmeal scotchies
3. Did you approve of Mitt Romney’s performance at the first presidential debate? (1) He doesn’t care about me (2) rich white racist (3) beady eyes (4) did not approve
4. Did you find Mitt Romney’s use of the word “economy” effective? (1) he sucks (2) yo’ momma (3) rich white racist (4) not at all effective
The National Sputum’s blogger, Nathan Splotzgrinder, asserts in his report that “Some of the questions posed by the Trollop surveys appear to be ‘leading.” Splotzgrinder then produced the following survey from October, 2012, regarding the wives of the presidential candidates.
Please circle your response to the following questions:
1. Do you believe that the First Lady Michelle Obama’s dietary guidelines are effective? (1) totally effective (2) her arms are so freaking toned (3) pretty effective (4) Mitt Romney is a racist
2. In your opinion, does the First Lady, Michelle Obama, set a good example for American women? (1) strongly agree (2) oh yeah (3) her arms are so freaking toned (4) Walk Like an Egyptian
3. The Republican presidential candidate has a wife, can you tell us her name? (1) Jabba the Hutt (2) chocolate mousse pie (3) Lizzie Borden (4) Eva Braun
4. Do you approve of the hair color of the Republican candidate’s wife? (1) what’s that is your nose (2) disapprove (3) strongly disapprove (4) meatloaf
The National Sputum is preparing to break Splotzgrinder’s story later this week. The subtle techniques used by Trollop to guide their subjects to a predetermined answer are certainly suspicious. Even more shocking is the following, survey taken by Trollop immediately after the debate in October between Vice President Joe Biden and Mitt Romney’s running-mate, Paul Ryan, which seems to indicate that the polling organization may be biased against men with Irish sir names.
Please place a Nazi Swastika in the bubble next to your answer to the following questions:
1. Did Joe Biden kick the skinny Mick’s pasty arse in the Vice Presidential debate? (1) strongly agree (2) Biden is a god (3) pretty much (4) Republicans hate kittens
2. Do you believe the maniacal laughter of the Vice President will hurt his chances for reelection? (1) hell no (2) not so much (3) Paul Ryan wants to kill your grandmother (4) medium rare with a side of steak fries
3. Paul Ryan is a heterosexual male with a wife and children. Do you approve of his lifestyle choice? (1) what a freaking racist (2) blonde (3) Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups (4) homophobic
4. Do you believe the fact that Paul Ryan is a white, heterosexual male with a family who goes to church will hurt his chances for election? (1) strongly agree (2) hell yes (3) Cockles and Mussels (4) he wants to take away my contraception
Finally, Nathan Splotzgrinder has uncovered a email exchange between the executives at the Trollop polling organization, in which it appears that they are taking a less than scientific approach in the creation of their survey questions. In the emails, the executives seem to be mocking the opinion surveys upon which Americans have depended for decades. This is an excerpt from those emails:
Let’s meet after work. Where should we go? (1) Hooters (2) the topless joint on 8th street (3) Michelle Obama’s butt (4) that Jenna Ryan sure is hot
LOL! How about we try one of these (1) Steve’s Bathouse (2) teen Thai massage parlor (4) Mitt Romney is a racist (4) strongly approve of all of the above
Okay, okay, I know we screw the American public with this kind of horses***, but let’s get serious. After all, we are both (1) homophobic white males (2) Bush lied people died (3) Barack Obama is a god (4) Strongly approve that we are takin’ ’em all for a ride
Never mind about meeting after work. I have a dinner date with (1) David Axelrod (2) Valerie Jarrett (3) Senate Democrats (4) all of the above
It looks like I’ll be getting marching orders on how to spin the Trollop polls of 2013 to keep these guys in business (1) for the next 4 years (2) indefinitely (3) we’re all socialists now (4) chocolate chip cookies
We’ll talk later,
your (1) boss (2) friend (3) evil genius (4) Democrat boy toy
Morton J. Trollop.
Stay tuned ReaganGirl.com readers. These revelations could blow the world of opinion surveys wide open. (1) strongly agree (2) bulls*** (3) I need an aspirin (4) Mitt Romney is a racist
by Marjorie Haun 1/1/13