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PART 2: THE UNTIDY STATES OF AMERICA


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May God bless these Untidy States

August 30, 2011

We have way too many states. It took another complete post to finish my second edition of “The Untidy States of America.” As I delved into the current events, politics, social trends, and general unpleasantness that saturates the Fruited Plain, it became apparent that our states are even more messy than I had assumed.  So delve with me into the human-caused disasters that have required a comprehensive re-labeling of the state of disarray that is the United States.

MONTANA: The Treasure State

New: The Trashed Senator State

Named for its U.S. Senator Max Baucus and his intoxicated rants from Senate floor

NEBRASKA: The Cornhusker State

New: The Huckster State

Named after the duplicitous, sell-out, kiss-up, brown-nose, faux blue-dog Democrat U.S. Senator Ben Nelson

NEVADA: The Silver State

New: The Slobber State

Named for the defining characteristic of U.S. Senate leader, Harry Reid

New Hampshire: The Granite State

New: The Grab-it State

Named after the key primary elections which hinge on this otherwise backwater state

New Jersey: The Garden State

New: The Guardin’ the Doughnuts State

Named after the favorite pastime of Governor Chris Christie

New Mexico: The Land of Enchantment

New: The Land of Entrapment

Named for its numerous 2-lane highways which cross Indian Reservations and have inscrutably slow speed limits

New York: The Empire State

New: The Vampire State

Named for its blood-sucking tax policies

North Carolina: The Tar Heel State

New: The “What in Tarnation?” State

Named for its perennial hurricane devastation

North Dakota: The Peace Garden State

New: The Piece of the Pie State

Named for it’s number one ranking for having the lowest unemployment rate among the 50 states

Ohio: The Buckeye State

New: The Batty State

Named after U.S. Congressman Dennis Kucinich and his regular lapses into incoherence, delusion, and Extraterrestrial reunification events

Oklahoma: The Sooner State

New: The “Later!” State

Named after the term of farewell intoned by those who prefer not to live in Tornado Alley

Oregon: The Beaver State

New: The Cannibis State

Named for its progressive laws governing the use of medical weed

Pennsylvania: The Keystone State

New: The Flashmob State

Named for the favorite pastime of Philly’s inner-city youth

Rhode Island: The Ocean State

New: The Yacht Dock State

Named for Massachusetts Senator John Kerry’s choice to dock his $500K yacht in Rhode Island to avoid paying his state property taxes

South Carolina: The Palmetto State

New: The Punjabi State

Named after firebrand Governor, Nikki Randhawa Haley, a woman of East Indian descent

South Dakota: Mount Rushmore State

New: The “How the Hell did Teddy Roosevelt Get Between Jefferson and Lincoln?” State

Named after the lingering perplexity of the biggest busts in the country

Tennessee: The Volunteer State

New:  The “We Don’t Claim That Fool” State

Named after the rejection by red state Tennessee of its resident loon, Albert Arnold Gore

Texas: The Lone Star State

New: The Lone Jobs Producer State

Utah: The Beehive State

New: The Be Fruitful State

Named after its prolific Mormon population

Vermont: The Green Mountain State

New: The Blue Cesspool State

Named for its deviation into the hinterlands of far-left, radical politics

Virginia: The Old Dominion State

New: The Red Dominion State

Named after the 2010 Mid-term elections in which Republicans overtake Democrats by capturing  5/8 seats in the U.S. House of Representative

Washington: The Evergreen State

New: The Overgreen State

Named for its leftist politics and environmentalist-imposed sanctions on the development of its natural resources

West Virginia: The Mountain State

New: The Mountains of Regulations State

Named after the impact of Federal regulations on its crucial coal mining industry

Wisconsin: The Badger State

New: The Bolter State

Named after the craven Democrat legislators who fled the state because they lacked the votes to block legislation that decreased the power of the unions

Wyoming: The Equality State or the Cowboy State

New: The “Do You Miss Cheney?” State

Named after the much missed V.P. who was raised in the great city of Casper

by Marjorie Haun  8/30/2011

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