August 26, 2011

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The genius of the Federalist system is that you can vote with your feet. If your state is full of  dweebs, jackasses, losers, hump-monkeys, pencil necks, pot-heads, punks, pukes, or illegal aliens, all you have to do is move.

The 50 states have gone through major upheavals in recent decades.  The entire cultural tenor of the United States has been fundamentally transformed from the time fin cars cruised the streets of America and moms took pride in their Tupperware collections. The nicknames of the states have become outdated, vestiges of eras past and the arcane histories of a lot of dead white guys.  I submit to the 50 states my propositions  for their new aliases, pseudonyms, handles, monikers, and AKAs.  These names are fitting to the character of the untidy, polarized, and decadent trends that define contemporary state politics and cultural foot rot. These are the Untidy States of America.

ALABAMA:  The Yellowhammer State

New: The Hammer of God State

Named after its 2011 rash of killer tornadoes

ALASKA: The Last Frontier

New: The Last RINO

Named after grotesquely bug-eyed RINO, Lisa Murkowski

ARIZONA:  The Grand Canyon State

New: The Grand Influx of Criminal Aliens State

ARKANSAS: The Natural State

New: The Unnatural Sex State

Named after its native son, William Jefferson Clinton

CALIFORNIA:  The Golden State

New: En Estado Oro

COLORADO:  The Centennial State

New: The Bong State

Named for its emerging cottage industry

CONNECTICUT:  The Constitution State

New: The Housing Bubble State

Named for the accomplishments of  U.S. Senator Christopher Dodd

DELAWARE: The First State

New: The “I thought that was a river” State

Named for its relative obscurity

FLORIDA:  The Sunshine State

New: The Viagra State

Named for the drug of choice of its large retired population

GEORGIA: The Peach State

New: The Cheat State

Named after the rash of cheating by students, teachers, and administrators in its largest school districts

HAWAII:  The Aloha State

New: The “Where the Hell is the Birth Certificate?” State

IDAHO:  The Gem State

New: The “This is Where You Build a Compound and Hide from the Feds” State

ILLINOIS: The Prairie State

New: The Job Killer State

Named after the Illinois path to prosperity; raising taxes

INDIANA:  The Hoosier State

New: The “Who’s That?” State

Named after would-be GOP presidential candidate, Governor Mitch Daniels

IOWA:  The Hawkeye State

New: The Straw Poll State

KANSAS: The Sunflower State

New: The Ethanol Subsidies State

KENTUCKY:  The Bluegrass State

New: The Penis Amputation State

Named after the top Google result for “Kentucky” search

LOUISIANA: The Pelican State

New: The Under Water State

MAINE:  The Pine Tree State

New: The Teen Pregnancy Pact State

Named after Maine’s largest scandal of 2008

MARYLAND:  The Old Line State

New: The Old Lib State

Named after its painfully left leaning political climate


New: The Gay State

Named after it’s tenured U.S. Senator, Barney Frank

MICHIGAN: The Great Lakes State

New:  The Great-Big Bailout State

MINNESOTA:  The North Star State

New:  The Conservative Backlash State

Named for the GOP superstars who arose out of the soil of one of the bluest states in the Union

MISSISSIPPI: The Magnolia State

New:  The Fat-rollia State

Named after its ranking as number one in obesity

MISSOURI: The Show Me State

New: The Blow Me State

Named for the devastating tornadoes that hit Joplin in May, 2011

Hold on to your butts until the next issue of “The Untidy States of America” hits the blogosphere.

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  1. Wow some of those are spot on…

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