One Real Resolution and a Whole Buncha Fake Resolutions
MY REAL RESOLUTION 2015:
There are many of my conservative friends out there genuinely concerned about motes in the eyes of people within the Republican Party. They spend their time suing this Republican and that Republican and plaster social media timelines with gloating comments about how this Republican or that Republican was caught doing something they disagree with, or sometimes downright corrupt. But let’s first pull the beam out of the eye of the American Left! (even if we have to pull out their eyeball doing it)
I have my criticisms of the establishment GOP, no doubt, but they can, and will be changed from within if the Tea Party, Reagan Conservatives, Patriot and Liberty groups stand on principle and STOP TRYING TO TEAR ONE ANOTHER APART!
Therefore, I, Marjorie Haun, in the Year of our Lord, 2015, hereby resolve to put every ounce of spirit I can muster into fighting those on the progressive left who are trying to destroy this country by spreading weakness through immorality, diluting our culture of rugged individualism and self-sufficiency through multiculturalism, and shrinking the power of the people by creating laws that grow government and place shackles of taxation and regulation upon citizens.
I encourage all of my patriotic friends; all who revere the Constitution and reverence God; all who understand that government is of and by the people, not the other way around, to join me in fighting PROGRESSIVES, DEMOCRATS, LIBERALS, SOCIALISTS, COMMIE-PINKOS, MARXISTS, AND ALL OTHER RIFF-RAFF OUR POLITICAL MILIEU HAS TO OFFER from this day until we restore our Constitution and once again establish a moral, civil society where regulation comes from within the hearts of individuals and not the halls of government.
STOP FIGHTING WITH AND DESTROYING REPUBLICANS. LET’S UNITE IN FIGHTING THE REAL ENEMIES OF LIBERTY AND MORALITY.
THINGS I DON’T DO, AND NEVER WILL–AT LEAST NOT UNTIL WE SAVE THE COUNTRY:
REAGANGIRL’S LIST OF NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS THAT WILL BE BROKEN IMMEDIATELY:
1. I resolve to start drinking alcohol to relieve stress and help me better navigate Republican cocktail parties.
2. I resolve to start smoking pot.
3. I resolve to be nice to Liberals.
4. I resolve to pull my punches when debating Democrats about current events and public policy.
5. I resolve not to have a plethora NRA, Fracking, Ruger, and other right-wing propaganda bumper stickers on the backside of my car.
6. I resolve to eat less chocolate.
7. I resolve to watch Jon Stewart.
8. I resolve to cut butter, lard, bacon fat, heavy cream, sausage, and margarine out of my diet.
9. I resolve to cut down on my daily intake of sugar.
10. I resolve to care about what’s on NPR, MSNBC and CNN.
11. I resolve to listen to Alan Colmes’ radio show.
12. I resolve to have faith in Obama.
13. I resolve to give money to Earth First, Wild Earth Guardians and the Sierra Club.
14. I resolve to not get so much pleasure from defeating my political enemies.
15. I resolve to go to a gym.
16. I resolve to become a loose woman.
17. I resolve to abstain from tweeting.
18. I resolve to keep my resolutions.
So there it is. I ask but one question of all my friends who have had considerable life experience, as have I: It’s taken me over 50 years to develop and fine-tune my considerably unique character traits, whether you like them or not, why the heck would I change course now?
by Marjorie Haun 1/3/15