MAYAN CALENDAR MAD LIB-ERALS
Hey there kiddies! Guess where I’ve been? I took a little ______ (colonic, sabbatical, Samba lesson) after election day, 2012. But after a few weeks of ______ (suicide watch, dry heaves, the heartbreak of psoriasis) I’m back. My fans tell me that they miss Mad Lib-erals about as much as they miss a ______ (sucking chest wound, colonoscopy, sebaceous cyst removal). So let’s play Mad Lib-erals, and remember just how much ______ (fun, agony, gosh-awful torture) we used to have.
Don’t be afraid, Mad Lib-erals is as easy as ______ (Lindsay Lohan, pie, Magic Johnson). All you do is choose a word or phrase and insert it into the blank to make a silly sentence. Are you ready? Good, just back away from the cliff, take the pistol out of your mouth and let’s play Mayan Calendar Mad Lib-erals!
The highly accurate Mayan Calendar virtually ______ (gets a pedicure, does the Mashed Potato, ends) on December 21, 2012. Many ______ (astronomers, divorce counselors, Baccarat dealers) are predicting that three weeks from today the ______ (tuna souffle, Mini Cooper, Planet Earth) will experience a series of unprecedented ______ (disasters, in-grown hairs, Rolling Stones concerts). No one knows exactly what will happen, but the end of the ______ (Rolling Stones concert, roll of toilet paper, world) is in the back of everyone’s ______ (Studebaker, mind, hall closet). A group of people known as ______ (preppers, fish squeezers, deep sea welders) have spent the last two years stocking their homes with ______ (provisions, Bag Balm, free contraceptives) in preparation for the ______ (antipasto, end, pickled eggs) of the Mayan Calendar. Urban ______ (dwellers, swellers, squealers) may not have the means to ______ (fornicate, bar crawl, prepare) with the efficiency of the ______ (Jack Russell Terriers, preppers, House of Representatives). If the Mayan Calendar proves to be prophetic and the ______ (Wheel of Fortune, tapeworm, world) really does end in three weeks from today, those stuck in the ______ (elevator, hairdryer, cities) may sadly have to resort to ______ (Brazilian waxes, tofu, cannibalism), or worse yet, an extended period of ______ (Chris Matthews, gluten-free bread, Sandra Fluke whining about free contraception). We can only hope that the Mayans got it wrong and their stupid calendar ends because they ran out of ______ (chisels, sacrificial victims, Bag Balm) and told the calendar gods to go ______ (fornicate, stimulate, exfoliate) themselves.
In other news this week, the political and cultural world was ______ (rocked, exorcised, tweezed) when an obscure NFL ______ (fungus, locker room, player) revealed that his body was covered with ______ (Chris Matthews, tattoos, fur). This tattoo ______ (eruption, erection, controversy) has captivated the entire Main Stream ______ (of urine, Media, cockfight), at least for the next 24 hours. Tomorrow the big ______ (bopper, story, boom) in the ______ (head lice, headlines, hairline) will focus on something of global importance like _______ (squirrel, Barry Manilow, Chris Matthews’ urine stream).
Finally, we will finish off this ______ (exciting, chapped, constipated) week with the successful ______ (ear wax, diplomacy, mollusk) in the Middle East. The brilliant foreign ______ (object, student, policy) of POTUS has proven most effective in stopping the ______ (respiration, neural functioning, hostilities) between Israel and the ______ (Palestinians, Smurfs, gay librarians). This success has resonated throughout the ______ (box car, world, graham cracker crust) as ______ (suicide bombings, frozen bananas, Delta Smelt) and ______ (Chris Matthews, Islamic Jihad, Slap Chop infomercials) have all but ceased. That’s a lie of course, but I’m just trying to find a way to make the ______ (end, canary, fruitcake) of the world sound ______ (flaccid, funny, wretched).
So there you have it, another ______ (failed, moronic, toxic) round of Mad Lib-erals. Don’t ______ (probe, goose, join) me next month because there will be NO next month. So, for now, Fare ______ (shrimp alfredo, well, toilet paper). All activities from now on will conducted from the safety of my ______ (underground bunker, under pants, armpits). Happy End of the ______ (world, Mayan Calendar, stupid round of Mad Lib-erals).
by Marjorie Haun 12/2/12
Tags: celestial signs, eat drinnk and be merry, end of the world, Israel, liberalism, Mad-libs, mayan calendar, mental illness, Preppers, suicide after the 2012 elections, War, wickedness in high places