HOBBIT MAD LIB-ERALS
Hey kiddies! It’s that time of year when every disappointment, humiliation, failure, and rejection from the last 364 days comes back at you like a snot tsunami! You guessed it, it’s the Holidays! This is the time of year when pain, pain, and pain mixed with a fudge hangover create the kinds of memories that make you want to puke. This is also the time of year when BIG, LOUD, MOTION SICKNESS-INDUCING movies bounce across the big screen like fat dwarfs. So let’s pay homage to the loudest, most disturbing movie of the Holiday season and play Hobbit Mad Lib-erals!
Take courage my furry-footed friends. It’s as easy as stabbing a troll in the eye. You just choose a silly word or phrase and insert into the blank to make a literary mess. For example: A desolate and inhospitable place called ______ (Middle Earth, Washington D.C., The Mall) is the setting for the prequel to the classic Lord of the Rings ______ (vasectomy, trilogy, phlebotomy), The Hobbit. The Hobbit features ______ (Filbin, dildo, Bilbo) Baggins as the central ______ (cuticle, character, park) on an unexpected ______ (adventure, game show, appendectomy).
Did you see that kiddies? Why, it’s as easy as taking your monkey to Ikea! If you haven’t yet had your fill of Orcs, Goblins and Senate Democrats you’ll have to finish the next paragraph of Hobbit Mad Lib-erals!
The elderly ______ (fire dancer, wizard, goat milker) Gandalf has chosen a wee ______ (Hobbit, Lorena Bobbit, fish monger) to be his chief source of ______ (pemican, sitcoms, courage) as he ventures with the Dwarfs into the heart of Middle ______ (finger, man, Earth) where they intend to retrieve their lost ______ (virginity, Doritos, treasures) from the evil dragon, ______ (Pelosi, Hillary, Smaug). The most human-like Dwarfs, _______ (Milli Vanilli, Fili and Kili, Billy and James Earl) show their mettle when mountain ______ (census takers, liberal women, trolls) steal the dwarves’ ______ (tic tacs, ponies, shoe inserts). The brave dwarf brothers take the troll’s ______ (EBT cards, sunglasses, adult diapers) which causes them to turn to ______ (Democrat voters, union thugs, stone). Little ______ (Doonesbury, buttplug, Bilbo) Baggins later faces off the mad ______ (nail technician, Gollum, meter reader) in an underground ______ (sitcom, litter box, cave) where he happens upon the ______ (ring, dust bunny, buttplug) of power. A bloody fight ensues as Baggins and ______ (Whoopie Goldberg, Lawrence O’Donnel, Gollum) tangle in the depths of the misty ______ (mountains, White House bowling alley, hookah lounge). Finally all the dwarves, (choose 3) _______ (Lumbago, Gloin, Floyd, Groin, Bleb, Toenail, Inflammation, Steve, Bloin, Sploin, Colonel Meow, Fred) find themselves pursued by the master orc, Azog the ________ (diddler, defiler, hairdryer) until they are perched precariously on a ______ (rocky, fiscal, treble) cliff. The epic ______ (mollusk, tale, tumor) does not end there. Little do the wee dwarves know that beneath the lonely ______ (balloon fetishist, jellyfish, mountain) the evil dragon ______ (Behar, Smaug, Wasserman-Schultz) is awakening beneath the heaps of ______ (firearms, large-capacity clips, ammunition) which he has confiscated from the ______ (Tea Partiers, quilters, dwarves) of Middle Earth. I can’t wait until next year when another thrilling ______ (episode, cyst, ingrown hair) of the ongoing ______ (group therapy, earwax removal, adventures) of the Hobbit comes to a ______ (urinal, Tasmanian Devil, buttplug) near you!
Ahhhh. Doesn’t it feel so good to have that ______ (hangnail, game, root canal) of Hobbit Mad Lib-erals over? It feels almost as good as sitting in an ______ (electric chair, hot tub, piranha tank) with seven dwarves and ______ (pedophile, executioner, union thug) Majority Weasel, Harry Reid. Be sure to ______ (join, filet, braise) me next month for another ______ (uncouth, decaying, unbearable) episode of Mad Lib-erals!
by Marjorie Haun 12/28/12