Fruitcake: The Ultimate Survival Food

December 31, 2011

Writers take for themselves what is called “license.” No, it’s not the kind you need to get a Motel 6 in Minneapolis, or buy a pack of cigarettes at Stop ‘n’ Go–but which you don’t need to vote in important elections–it’s the “licence to kill” the language. Well, not exactly. But every once in awhile we eschew writing conventions and acceptable standards of good journalism for the sake of creativity. I never give myself license to toy with the truth, but I have been rebuked for my parody pieces by people who can’t tell the difference between satire and reporting.  As the last complete calendar year of life as we know it ebbs to its dark close, I have taken the creative license to present a post that is a little bit stream of consciousness, a little bit dust bin rubbish, and a little bit ratatouille of a twisted mind.  Please enjoy the loose threads, lost drafts, and malformed literary orphans of

On Fruitcake

I love fruitcake. I really do. It is packed with energy, bursting with vitamins, and rich with ebullient flavor, from its cake-like matrix to the chewy bits of colorful candied crap suspended in its magical denseness. Fruitcake is scorned, derided, and rejected by people simply because it is a cultural norm to hate fruitcake. Most fools who say they hate fruitcake have never tried fruitcake. Bah, humbug to those boobs!  Fruitcake is the food of my mother and grandmother. Their recipe is a family favorite! Even if that means it is loved by only one member of the family.  Making fruitcake is like pouring a concrete patio. You build up some whopper biceps mixing its thick, gooey, inexplicably weird batter. Fruitcake is the perfect food for ultra-marathon runners and intrepid polar explorers. It is nutritious, complex, and jammed with more calories than you can fit into the the equivalent cubic inches of suet or Godiva chocolate. If there is one food that will get you through the privations of Armageddon, it is fruitcake. Be sure to store a year’s supply of hot cocoa mix to have with your fruitcake. You might be the only ones to make it through. I love fruitcake. And since Heavenly Father has a special love for all good things that fall into the disfavor of the wicked world, He loves fruitcake too.

On the Role of Morality in a Free Society

A free people is a religious people. You cannot separate liberty from religion nor religion from liberty. The liberated heart accepts no authority, save God, as supreme. All other governments, whether of the self or of a governable society, yield to the authority of God. There is no other measure of truth so absolute.

Law is the great teacher. Virtue should not be legislated on the national level, but states and local governments cannot govern in a moral vacuum. The government has a role in protecting its citizens from the evil decisions of others. I disagree with those that assert there is a conflict between freedom and moral imperatives within the law. There is a bright line of morality between where another man’s freedoms violate my freedoms. The law dictates where that line falls, both in behalf of the individual and the larger society.

You may believe, for example, that you have the freedom to sleep around and break moral codes related to fornication and adultery, but if the law protects the life of the unborn child that may result from unmarried sex, there is a natural reciprocity that comes with your freedom. One is irrevocably bound to the spiritual and natural consequences of the free exercise of liberty. That is why morality is so key to the maintenance of civil order and civil rights. When you take the moral component out of law and the stigma that comes with immorality, you take away the natural, non-legislated aversion to evil. When you take morality out of the law, you take away responsibility.

Freedom is not license to do what you want when you want. It is a sacred stewardship over the way you live your life and they way your behaviors and actions affect the rights of others. Libertarianism eschews the notion that the law should be a moral teacher and enforcer. True Conservatism understands the purpose of morality, and seeks to find a balance between liberty and law.

On Paranoia and Ron Paul

Things can get weird out here on the fringes of civilization, between a comfortably mid-sized town, and a sprawling, and unforgiving desert. UFO sightings are commonplace.  Two-headed snakes and three-legged cats pop up seasonally. But I am a little worried about this latest spate of weirdness from which even my friends are not immune: Political Paranoia.  The latest spasm of political paranoia is related to a minor amendment that the Democrat Senator from Colorado, Mark Udall, wants to attach to SB 1867, the National Defense Authorization Act of 2012.  Udall’s Amendment, which, in his words, is designed to save SB 1867 from an Obama veto, merely opens up the conversation about the “detainee provisions” in the act, which some have mistakenly interpreted to be a threat to our civil liberties.  This is where I have seen people I thought were sane, reasoning, conservatives jump into the hopper with the ACLU, Democrats in the Senate, and–gasp–Ron Paul.

These little hissy-fits of paranoia, or panic, or stupidity, have presented some self-defeating behaviors on the part of people who purport to love liberty, but end up eating their own. They might as well turn in their red T-shirts for blue, trade in their Gadsden flags of the rainbow flag of the Gay movement, and go dancing with the Liberal Democrat stars.  The point being, the outcome is the same. When Conservatives overreact with paranoia and panic, and swing wildly at their own without reasoning through their consequences of their hysteria, Liberal Democrats always win.

 On The “Fellowship of the Right Wing”

Barak Obama may indeed be the Messiah.  He has certainly worked a political miracle in the last  2 years that has astounded many Americans. He has worked a healing miracle as the myriad bone cells that make the skeletal tissue of America, fractured and splintered, have knit themselves together. The breaks have been replaced by tissue that is not only healed, but stronger than before. The coalescing of The Fellowship of the Right Wing is a miracle because the nature of the conservative individual is stubbornly independent.

The Tea Party, The Conservative Patriot Resistance, The Red Stampede, the Resurgent Right, whatever you want to call it, is the ideological combination of disparate thinking, lifestyles, regionalisms, religions, and talents. Conservatives have never been followers of charismatic individuals. But we are followers of the heady principles of Liberty and of Constitutional government. Most of us will freely follow God, but we bristle when we are asked to follow a man. We question and vet, and we may treat a leader “pretty ugly”  if he is hypocritical or destructive. We reject the self-serving and duplicitous who wear the Conservative label on their sleeves, who follow some lesser star such as power or notoriety.  We trust only leaders who follow the highest, Divine Authority. We are headstrong, self-governing, free-thinking and we have contempt for government interference and the fawning sycophants who worship the god of the state.

The Fellowship of the Right Wing has come together, thanks to the great physician, (oops, I just puked a little in my mouth) Barak Obama. Conservative activist groups, PACs, think-tanks, blogs and news outlets, social networks, community and neighborhood liberty groups, and the new conservative political class has inundated the American scene.  I am chin-deep in the activities of the Right Wing, and I can tell you that my ‘friends’, ‘followers’, fellow activists, conservatives, Republicans, bloggers, campaign workers, and ideological soul mates are the cream that has risen to the top of political activity. Secure, educated, actualized and accomplished men and women who have a deep love of America, a love of the truth, and an appetite for freedom are enmeshed, cells in a protective tissue, healing and growing, that will cover the deep wounds of a brutalized nation.

On New Year’s Resolutions

The old template for New Year’s resolutions required movement as a measure of success or failure.  The needle on the bathroom scale had to move down or up.  The measuring tape around the waist had to be shortened or lengthened.  Trend lines on a profit/loss chart will move up or down.  Movement and activity have been the measure of one’s strength of resolve.  I am proposing for you now a new approach to how we measure our success or failure as Americans during the course of the next twelve months.  I propose that the less we move, as Americans, Patriots, and People of Faith, the greater will be our degree of success.  I propose that we resolve to be resolved.

Happy New Year. Stand fast in true principles of Faith, Freedom, Family, and Love. And remember, when the slop hits the fan, I will have enough fruitcake and hot cocoa stored in my basement to feed all my Patriot friends.



By Marjorie Haun 12/31/2011


  1. I remember a theory some comedian had, once: there are only one hundred or so fruitcakes in existence; people get them as gifts, then hold on to them for a year or two before regifting them to someone else.

    I think there’s a lot of truth to that…

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