Hey kiddos, have you heard of the “Rape Whistle App” or the “Anthony Weiner App?” Well, stop texting for one frigging minute and check out the new and amazing Liberal Democrat Apps for your Not-so-Smart Phone!
The Slick Willie App: Extremely popular with single men, this app uses GPS and facial tomography software to identify reasonably attractive women within the user’s vicinity and alerts him as to their location. It has a sensitive, high-definition camera lens that can work from as far away as 300 yards. The user simply scans his surroundings and the camera will identify and pinpoint any woman over the age of 15 and under 300 lbs as a potential pick-up.
The Lois Lerner IRS Emails App: This powerful app has the ability to scour clean the hard drives of computers and servers, eliminate emails stored in the computers and servers of those who received them, and cause hard copies of sensitive data to dissolve into the ether. Once you upload the Lois Lerner IRS Emails App you will also be able to strike from the memory of any person in the world any data which may have been obtained through Lois Lerner’s emails.
The Border Invasion App: This application works much a silent dog whistle. It emits no discernible sound but when activated sends a signal to all the poor people in Central America calling them to show up at the Border where they will get open passage into the country, free food, medical care, transportation to the city of their choice, and a CD containing all the speeches of Barack Obama in Spanish.
The Terrorist Border Invasion App: Like its sister app, this one links into the social networks of terrorist cells in Mexico, Central and South America and beyond. When activated it will send a direct message to its terrorist users written in Arabic saying, “The border with America no longer exists. Dress like a peasant, keep your head down, and enter by blending with the tens of thousands pouring into America, get an apartment in Austin, sign up for food stamps, and start building your bombs. See you in September.”
The Border Invasion Language App: This powerful application uses Universal Translator software to help politicians such as Sheila Jackson Lee and Nancy Pelosi welcome illegal aliens into the country. The user speaks into the microphone and the speech is audibly translated into Arabic, Chinese, Yemeni, Urdu, Russian, Nahua, or in a pinch, Spanish. This app is a mandatory feature of all iphone 5s currently being distributed by the Department of Self-Immolation to all illegal border invaders.
The Hillary Clinton Benghazi App: Nobody knows what this app does, but what difference, at this point, does it make?
The Bowe Bergdahl App: The ratings for the Bowe Bergdahl App are not good because of its buggy nature. Once downloaded the app will take up the 24 hr news cycle for approximately 2 weeks and then it will inexplicably disappear, never to be mentioned again.
The Depressed Taliban App: Using a digital voice software which mimics Barack Obama, this app sends voice messages of encouragement and hope to terrorist detainees at Gitmo, all of whom have an iphone 5.
The Anthony Weiner App: Also known as “digital male enhancement,” this app works with your camera to enlarge a specified portion of a photographic image while keeping everything in the background in its proper proportion.
The Hobby Lobby App: For reasons which remain a mystery to ordinary smart phone users, this app, when activated, causes liberal women to go into convulsions and scream, “My body, it’s my body, and I have a right to make you pay for my contraceptives!” This app comes with an appropriate warning, which usually goes unheeded by Democrat-leaning sluts.
The Rape Whistle App: Liberals and most Democrats, who have an unusual aversion to the mere concept of guns and armed self-defense, like this simple app. In the case of an attempted rape the user simply activates the app and it emits a shrill sound similar to a whistle. Although it has reportedly never prevented a rape, it remains popular among liberal gals because it makes them feel good.
The Obamacare Website App: Although this application has been in development for years and has cost nearly a billion dollars to bring to market, it is still too buggy for consumer use. It is likely the developer will have no choice but to create the Single Payer App in its stead.
The Veterans Administration Waiting List App: There is a real version of this app, and a fake version of this app. Neither works properly, but the fake version creates the appearance that its working. In the end, it’s a totally useless piece of crap. No one, however, is willing to take this expensive piece of crap off the market and replace it with something that works because hundreds of thousands of over-paid bureaucrats like it just the way it is.
The Al Sharpton App: This application works much like a teleprompter but uses phonetic syllables to help the speaker say even the simplest words correctly. Within the text are alerts in a bright yellow font reminding the speaker to “speak slowly and don’t spit so much.”
The Alinsky App: This handy application, with just the touch of an icon, can help idle Socialists plan how to use racial politics, wedge issues, hate mongering and scare tactics to organize their neighborhoods into little balkanized islands consisting of haves and have nots, blacks and whites, rich and poor. Extremely popular among Democrats the Alinsky app is tricky to use and will cease to function if the Free Market Capitalism App is used in the same vicinity.
The History Revision App: Liberal teachers love this app. It works as a sort of translator and can translate text, or website content taken from history texts or databases, and revise it to fit the liberal, “America sucks” narrative. Using terminology such as “genocide,” “conquest,” “invaders,” “religious zealots,” and “Capitalist pigs,” the History Revision App will take the most heartwarming American tale and turn it into a story of injustice, racism, violence, and hate, almost too much to bear.
The Liberal Male App: This optical application turns the screen of your smart phone into a sort of fun house mirror. The typical liberal male, physically inadequate with splotchy face and body hair, sallow skin and dead eyes, can gaze into this app and it will reflect back to him an image which is well-muscled, fit, and properly hairy. Though it may give the liberal male a temporary boost of confidence, liberal females have been known to break phones with this app, having a rabid hatred of manly men.
The Liberal Female App: Much like its counterpart, this application is to be used only in secret. They typical grotesque liberal female gazes into the screen of her smartphone and reflected back is the image of a beautiful woman such as Sara Palin or Megyn Kelly. Liberal females must be careful not to use this app in the presence of a liberal male as it has a tendency to cause them to become Conservative Republicans.