Death Panel Mad Lib-erals
Earlier this morning, a ______ (giddy, epileptic, wretched) Nancy Pelosi stopped by the Doctor’s ______ (golf cart, clinic, suicide note) on her way to Capitol ______ (Hill, morgue, colonic institute). She just couldn’t control her ______ (hand flapping, tight grins, giggling) when she heard that her favorite ______ (goat cheese, legislation, heat rash), Obamacare, had survived the rigorous ______ (scrutiny, screw you, screw everybody) of the ______ (scrotum, SCOTUS, Screwtape Letters). The Doctor gave her a prescription for a ______ (pit bull mauling, unfortunate propeller accident, anti-spastic) medication and sent her on her ______ (way, chili cheese fries, sphincter). Senator Harry ______ (Satan, Reid, fleabag) did not fare so well. He was reportedly so full of ______ (chortles, guffaws, sniggers) that he hugged a complete ______ (pancake mix, Jack Russell Terrier, stranger) who beat the living ______ (dead, crap, will) out of him. Reid remains in ______ (witless, imbecilic, malodorous) condition at a D.C. ______ (hospital, truss, body bag.)
Any questions? Heck no, because you’re a frickin’ genius who can do no wrong. Well then, little Mr. Hubris, lets DOOOO EEEET!
Earlier this week the country was ______ (T-boned, surprised, thrashed) when the ______ (SCOTUS, spleen, chicken outfit) informed the ______ (door mat, red-headed step child, state) of Arizona to go ______ (glue, moo, screw) itself. The Arizona immigration ______ (pantyhose, law, backhoe) was struck down because it threatened to take ______ (ice cream, voters, guacamole) out of the hands of the Obama ______ (dance troupe, toenails, Administration). The 10th ______ (Amendment, hurricane, hernia operation) to the Constitution was also ______ (slapped down, thumped, walloped) by the ______ (hula dancers, SCOTUS, dipsomaniacs). Arizona ______ (she-woman, amazon queen, governor), Jan Brewer, vowed to ______ (mud wrestle, fight, wet willie) the Administration, saying, “Obama needs a good ______ (can, ass, horse) whipping. He can come on down to my ______ (state, iron maiden, jello mold) any day.” Obama declined the invitation saying he was ______ (golfing, vacationing, sucking blood) and didn’t have the ______ (time, balls, guts) to return to Arizona.
The ______ (cabbage, SCOTUS, Lynyrd Skynyrd) overturned the “Stolen Valor Act” which was passed in order to ______ (peel, boil, roast) people who pretend to be a ______ (veteran, war hero, honorable serviceman). The ______ (turds, Liberals, pot belly pigs) on the High ______ (times, wire, Court) rejected “Stolen Valor.” The ______ (roadkill, SCOTUS, flatus) as of late seems to have been hit with a bad case of ______ (stupid, head-up-your-butt, slimy invertebrate) disease.
In more cheerful news, the state of ______ (osso buccho, Colorado, Club Med) is on fire and nearly half its ______ (pot shops, prosthesis fitters, cities) have been effected by ______ (constipation, forced evacuations, teen pregnancy). In Colorado Springs, the local ______ (implant emporium, biker bar, Thai massage parlor) had to be evacuated when a ______ (Harry Reid, wildfire, colon polyp) threatened to ______ (burn, mud wrestle, lambada) it to the ground. The Olympic Training ______ (meat market, steroid factory, facility) was forced to ______ (clean and jerk, close, dead lift) when refugees from ______ (Occupy Denver, Cuba, Greece) moved in and made ______ (babies, beds, whoopie) on its wrestling mats. In the wake of the devastating ______ (genital warts, fires, hallucinations), local law ______ (enforcement, enhancement, topical ointment) has given the okay to ______ (pink belly, applique, shoot) looters on sight. Word has it that the “shoot with extreme ______ (accuracy, prejudice, splattering)” rule will also apply to any out-of-town ______ (travelers, Democrats, Chief Justice Roberts) that are identified as ______ (athletic, Obamacare, hip hop) supporters.
So there you have it. Another ______ (carbonized, bloody, sado-masochistic) round of Mad Lib-erals! Aren’t you just so happy that you ______ (violated, joined, tub thumped) me on this wonderful day to ______ (celebrate, lubricate, expectorate) the legalization of ______ (jelly, Death, steamed rice) Panels and Obamacare? Let’s get ______ (together, jiggy, naked) next month when we play ______ (Armageddon, Nuclear Holocaust, Global Extermination) Mad Lib-erals for a light-hearted change of pace!
By Marjorie Haun 3/2/13