Colorado Legislators Show They’re Boobs

March 25, 2015

Are you keeping abreast of Colorado’s legislative antics?

Two Democrats have passed a bill through the Colorado State Legislature aptly nicknamed the “Breastfeeding Bill.” HB15-1164 concerns “The postponement of jury service for a person who is breastfeeding a child.” First of all, I find the term “person” suspect. Why isn’t it “mother,” or “maternal progenitor,” or “mumsy?” The term person is too broad to be legally applicable. In fact, it would be better to replace the term ,”person” with “broad,” because “broad” is not at broad as “person,” since not all “persons” are properly equipped to breastfeed a baby, or a kitten, or a wombat, in broad terms.

The other thing that bugs me about this bill, which by the way, has weirdly passed both chambers of the Colorado Legislature and is on its way to the Governor’s desk, is, why the heck do we need a law for this? I was a breastfeeding mom (sorry kids), and I never needed a special law to tell the court to let me off easy because I was lactating. I was once excused for breastfeeding. “I might leak breast milk during the trial,” I told the lawyers, and they let me go without discussion. I was once excused for having morning sickness. “I feel like I’m going to puke…now!” I told the lawyers, and they let me go. In fact, they chased me out of the jury room. No problemo. I’ve seen people excused from jury duty for hemorrhoids, and ingrown toenails, and dyspepsia. Trust me, lactating broads have never been forced into indentured jury duty. Nobody, especially not judges and lawyers, want bodily fluids oozing during the court proceedings.

Third, it seems like mammary legislation is the third rail of politics. When a breast-related bill comes up for debate, nobody dares touch it. Republicans may think the bill is stupid, but they’re terrified to broach what Democrats tell them is a sensitive subject. If you oppose any bill with the word “breast” in the language, you will be accused of hating women, and babies, and wombats. It’s almost like the Colorado Breastfeeding Bill is a sacred cow, exempt from scrutiny. And, trust me, Democrats are milking the issue for all it’s worth.

Since it passed through a split Legislature with flying colors, Governor Hickenlooper probably cannot wait to get his hands on it. With the success of the Breastfeeding Bill, you can be sure that future legislation, pumping up special rights for boobs, will have the proverbial political cup running over.

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