Colorado Birth Rates Deflate Following Pot Legalization

June 19, 2015

Tommy Twittletaub got stoned and lost all interest in Lucy Lumpkin’s lumps.

Young men–teenagers–have a bad reputation for being hump monkeys. Even the best among them are sex-obsessed fiends, and this rule has stood hard and fast throughout human history…until 2012, in Colorado.


Last summer much hooey was made when the Denver Post reported a statistical drop in Colorado teen birth rates. “Free contraceptives” were touted as the reason for decreased teen pregnancies. Naturally, the nanny state, “kids are gonna do it anyway” crowd went nuts with self-congratulation. However, there was no evidence that the free contraceptives, lacking accompanying handbooks, were used properly, or at all. The skeptic in me says that promiscuous teens, whose brains are years away from full development, didn’t bother to use their “free” contraceptives, and probably traded them for Pokemon cards. But there is something that makes contraceptives irrelevant to this issue; pot.

If there is one discovery, since the inception of human society, with the mojo to make teen boys–indeed, men of any age–indifferent to sex, it would be cannabis. There is a buttload of empirical evidence that pot, from the onset of use, turns male gonads into estrogen pumping dynamos.

In a CNN report titled, “Does Pot Cause Man Boobs,” studies correlating pot use with decreased levels of testosterone in human subjects were revealed. An article in Medical Daily makes similar claims. And, last but not least, the esteemed journal of Bongology, “High Times,” published an article titled “Weed Weiner: Smoking Pot May Cause E.D. (erectile dysfunction).” It’s obvious that pot not only turns young men into biological young women, but that it also inhibits the use of the very thing that makes a man a man.

So, there you have it. Colorado nanny staters can hoot all they want about how their wonderful policies, through which Granny Tooter’s money is confiscated in order to pay for little Lucy Lumpkin’s condoms, have decreased teen pregnancies in Colorado. But the Occam’s Razor* explanation is undeniable. When recreational pot was legalized in Colorado, and became a cheap and abundant commodity as a result, little Tommy Twittletaub got stoned and lost all interest in Lucy Lumpkin’s lumps.Colorado’s teen boys are getting stoned, and that’s why Colorado teen girls are not getting knocked up.

Next in the series: How early and prolonged pot usage turns you into a spineless, amoral ninny.

* Oc·cam’s razor

:  a scientific and philosophic rule that entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily which is interpreted as requiring that the simplest of competing theories be preferred to the more complex or that explanations of unknown phenomena be sought first in terms of known quantities

by Marjorie Haun  6/19/15

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