Christmas Letter Mad Lib-erals!
What the heck is “Mad Lib-erals?” It is the altered (and probably illegal) version of the old party game “Mad Libs.” You get a little help with Mad Lib-erals because you don’t really chose your own words. You have to pick one out of three completely stupid words given to you by the psychopathic author of said Mad Lib-erals. For example:
Santa Claus was found ______ (tweezing, naked, unconscious) in the local ______ (Darth, shopping, Ron Paul) Mall. Concerned ______ (shoppers, Laplanders, pole dancers) attempted to rouse him but were ______ (itchy, transgendered, unsuccessful). ______ (Paramedics, dog whisperers, elves) were summoned to see what was the ______ (yellow-mellow-custard, matter, koo koo ka choo) with old Santa. They concluded that he was not _____ (Ellen Degeneres, finger-lickin’ good, unconscious), but had just laid down for a _____ (long, squeezy cheesy, Medieval) Winter’s ______ (tapioca pudding, nap, electromagnetic pulse).
Easy as Fruit Cake, don’t you think? Okay, let’s play
Just Kill Me Now So I Don’t Have to Read Another Christmas Letter Mad-Liberals!
Little sister ______ (Chlamydia, Edema, Sha Nay Nay) started 1st ______ (floor, grade, degree) at the local ______ (elementary, waxing, sardine) school. On the first day she wore an ______ (American flag, turkey baster, bicycle pump) Tee-shirt. She was promptly _______ (filleted, registered to vote, expelled) on the basis that her shirt clashed with the black ______ (eyes, burqas, hearts) worn by all the other little ______ (Muslims, nematodes, girls). Big brother ______ (Alopecia, Chavia, Rickets) just got his driver’s ______ (throw pillow, chewing tobacco, license). It was unfortunately revoked since he was found to have a ______ (bible, open container of milk, Sara Palin bumper sticker) in his possession while ______ (driving, praying, Tebowing). Uncle ______ (Whoop, Jack, Fat) went to ______ (court, the bathroom, Hooters) to have his name changed from Jones to ______ (Ass, So, In-the-Box). Auntie ______ (Helena, biscuits and gravy, Psoriasis) Handbasket had her first cosmetic procedure when she went to ______ (Saudi Arabia, West Hollywood, Twin Peaks) to have her ______ (Van Cliburn, butt dimple, Inuit) enlarged. Father ______ (Reflux, Super Fly, Rain Man) recently got a job with the Democratic National Committee in their department of _______ (manhood, neck, moral) enlargement. And last but not _____ (bacon, least, comfortable), Mother ______ (Jaquetha, Yum Yum, Gerd) has transitioned from her old career as a ______ (butt plug, oyster shucker, chicken sexer) and has taken a ______ (job, hostage, Kaiser roll) at the Ministry of Places with Disturbing Names located in ______ (Aerola Utah, Humptulips Washington, Spunky Puddle Ohio).
So, there you have it. We know you would rather be ______ (skinned alive, augured, audited) than hear the maudlin ______ (head lice, neck ties, details) of our ______ (feather dusters, lives, sphincters). Suffice it to say that all is ______ (well, besotted, hopeless) and the Mad Lib-erals ______ (herd, lesion,hive) is quite ______ (binary, lubricated, well-fed).
Merry Christmas and Happy First Anniversary of the Mayan Apocalypse to you and your kin, yada, yada, yada. Enjoy it while you can.
By Marjorie Haun 12/8/13