Blogging for Zombies

October 30, 2015

Ever wonder what the heck a “blog” is? Is it Dutch Footwear? Is it something that shoots out of your mouth during a coughing fit?

I am so honored that many of my aspiring writer friends have come to me seeking sound advice on how to write and maintain a blog.

This is ReaganGirl’s primer for blogging basics:

First, what is a blog? Well, it’s not something that shoots out of your mouth during a coughing fit. It’s not Dutch footwear. BLOG really means different things to different people. When Liberals are spewing their fabricated, psychedelic hooha along the information superhighway, it stands for Bestial Licentious Obama Gangsters. But now that Conservatives have mastered the light-speed autobahn of propaganda, BLOG stands for Bashing Liberal Ogres for God.


Make them interesting and controversial. Use catch terms like SHOCK, ZOMBIES, NAKED, TRAGEDY, DISASTER, SEX, LAWN GNOMES, TWERKING, HYSTERICS, APOCALYPSE, and every other graphic, politically-incorrect word that comes to mind


Tags: Use tags to target certain types of readers.

Tags are keywords you place into your blog so that search engines will identify your posts and apply them to internet searches so people can find awesome crap on their computers.  One technique is to group tags in such a way that they capture high traffic searches. For example:

Topics and Categories: Attract lots of suckers.

Your category titles should be a clue to the content of each different post. One category per post is usually enough. However, it is okay to pair your topic title, ie, politics, celebrities, lifestyle, parenting, fitness, recipes, with one of the highly popular categories; zombies, unnatural sex, world’s ugliest dog, mud wrestling, vampires, cannibalism. For example,

Edit carefully, spelling errors can kill you.

This passage is an example of poor grammar and factual inaccuracy.  

Edit carefully, examine your facts, and make spell check your best friend. The following is an example of good grammar and factual veracity:

Credibility is everything.

Finally, sell a unique, one-of-a-kind product.

As you formulate your public persona, reject the hackneyed labels that already exist on the internet. Internet readers are already saturated with blogs like these:

Give the American public the images and ideas for which they really hunger.
  • People Who Work for a Living
  • Men Who Love Women
  • Women Who Love to Raise Children
  • Happy Families
  • Ammunition before Contraception
  • Hot Cowboys in Tight Wranglers
  • Bite Me You Freakin’ Liberal Idiots
  • I Miss George Washington
  • Capitol Hill Detox
For the truly adventurous, try an angle that is totally untouched. Explore the great emptiness of cyberspace with something completely untried such as;
  • Honest Liberal Politicians
  • Successful Democrat-run cities
  • Good Socialism
  • Successful Mike Huckabee Presidential Campaigns
  • Hardworking Welfare Recipients
  • How to Pass Good Legislation in the Senate
  • Attractive Liberal Women
  • How Marijuana Raises IQ
  • Hot Liberal Cowboys in Tight Wranglers
  • Liberals Who Clean Up Their Own Messes
Okay my friends, this is my gift of great writing expertise and wisdom to you. Blog your little brains out. Let me know how it goes. 
By Marjorie Haun  10/30/15

  1. I like the part about good spelling and grammar, but it includes an elementary, though very common, mistake in the second sentence: “It’s historical decor…” You mean to say “Its” not “It’s,” the latter obviously a contraction for “it is.” It is amazing how many otherwise good writers mistake the two!

  2. Oh my God! This is one of the funniest blog posts I’ve ever read! Very well done, and thank you for cheering my afternoon.

    Only trouble is, it’s embarrassing to be made to laugh this loud at work!

  3. Scott Yagemann

    Hey, that’s really good. You should use more humor. You’re good at it. Thanks for pointing this out to me!

    • Reagangirl

      Why thank you. That is an honor coming from you because humor is your profession. Except 187, that wasn’t all that funny.

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