BIO-HAZARD MAD LIB-ERALS
Okay kiddies, lets don those Hazmat suits, strap on your respirators, take a bath in Clorox, and get ready to play Bio-Hazard Mad Lib-erals! Don’t be afraid. You won’t die if you follow these simple instructions. First you take a sentence, insert your choice of words into the blanks to make it silly, and then laugh until you cough up blood. For example:
The Occupy demonstrators first gathered to protest ______ (crony Capitalism, jock itch, soap companies), but now they have a new _____ (secretion, foe, hangnail). They are now battling ______ (Klingons, Jack Russell Terriers, illness) as their ranks become increasingly _____ (naked, diseased, fat and lazy). What are the poor ______ (occupiers, sebaceous cysts, anal polyps) to do as their ______ (armpits, tent cities, underwear) become cesspools of ______ (Marxism, infection, group sex)? The Centers for ______ (cruise, Disease, bladder) control have issued ______ (warnings, condoms, Heinz 57) to many of the ______ (lepers, amputees, occupiers) telling them that they may become ______ (stupid, Michael Moore, infected) if they continue to ______ (squat, play poker, rape and pillage) in their tent cities. As a precaution, anyone venturing near the Occupy ______ (sewers, tail gate parties, Whiskey a Go Go) should protect themselves by dressing in ______ (cellophane, fishnet stockings, Hazmat suits), and carrying a can of ______ (deodorant, Lysol Disinfectant, New England Clam Chowder).
Get it? Or is your puny brain too diseased to understand how to play this stupid game? Heck no, you’re a freakin’ genius. Now let’s play!
Reports were issued this week about unfortunate ______ (deaths, Democrats, Keith Olbermann) stalking the ______ (bowel, Occupy, tectonic) Movement. Several deaths were attributed to ______ (romance novels, drug overdoses, jock itch), with at least two confirmed ______ (altar boys, birth certificates, murders). The Occupy ______ (brain stem, Movement, Chinese jump rope) has also been shocked by a series of ______ (assaults, The Office, root canals) and, even more horrifyingly, ______ (Al Gore movies, rapes, Nancy Pelosi nudie pics). Occupy _______(Wall Street, my arse, Barney Frank’s basement) tried internal ______ (policing, gas, hypodermic needles) at first, but the ______ (rapes, poor hygiene, Kung Pow Chicken) continued unabated. Women finally took up ______ (smiley faces, picket signs, brass knuckles) and moved into separate ______ (diapers, thermoses, tents) where the ______ (rapists, Anthony Weiner, Al Gore) could not get to them.
Public Health ______ (officials, Jack Russell Terriers, ball-point pens) are even more ______ (hypothermic, concerned, delirious) about a plague more dreadful even than ______ (crime, disease, Keith Olbermann); widespread infestations of head and body ______ (break dancing, tattoos, lice). Sanitation workers have begun to clear Occupy Movement______ (ice rinks, barber shops, tent cities) using ______ (bulldozers, gladiator movies, nipple rings), and forcing the ______ (Lollipop Guild, protesters, Democrat National Committee) to find another ______ (bodily opening, hemp farm, venue) for their ______ (demonstrations, Nutcracker Ballet, romance novels). As the ______ (circus clowns, bulldozers, pole dancers) clear away the squalor of the Occupy _____ (financiers, urinals, tent cities), they have uncovered sickening mounds of ______ (rotten food, hypodermic needles, used condoms), and, most disturbing of all ______ (Michael Moore movies, human waste, Keith Olbermann). All Americans look forward to the day when the ______ (toilet brush, Occupy, nose hair) movement passes into ______ (history, gas, hyperspace) and cities across the ______ (street, bowling alley, country) can reclaim their once pleasant and green outdoor ______ (spaces, toilets, yoga pants).
On a lighter note, a South African ______ (meat, Italian Suit, tennis ball) company was exposed for selling ______ (Jack Russell Terriers, pork, Keith Olbermann) to Islamic countries. The meat company apparently relabeled ______ (Rosie O’Donnell, Rachel Maddow, pork products) from Ireland and the ______ (MSNBC studios, Democrat National Committee, Peoples Republic of Belgium) to look like ______ (Anthony Weiner, sheep hearts, Jabba the Hut). The ______ (pork hearts, Michael Moore’s sweat pants, Betty Davis eyes) were used as a sort of ______ (culinary, psychological, hip hop) terrorism against the ______ (bloodthirsty, unshaven, unsuspecting) Muslims who bought and ______ (blew up, beheaded, ate) the forbidden ______ (pork, Joy Behar, Cuban cigars). Muslims believe that if they eat ______ (Lindsay Lohan, Hershey’s Special Dark, pork) they will be consigned to _____ (Hell, Occupy Wall Street, MSNBC). It is uncertain whether or not the ______ (panty hose, romance novel, meat) company intentionally switched the sheep hearts for pork. One theory is that the Muslims who ate the _____ (pork, used condoms, head lice) will automatically be condemned to ______ (C-SPAN, Hell, Barney Frank’s basement) without ever knowing what happened. My advice to those silly South African ______ (butt putty, meat, Green Bay) packers is, if you really want to ______ (pink belly, terrorize, cauterize) Muslims, instead of pork hearts, ship them ______ (tents, crates, port ‘o lets) full of ______ (Occupy protesters, MSNBC reporters, the Democrat National Committee). That will be a ______ (jock itch, brain freeze, punishment) worse than Hell for those ______ (Muslims, Chinese dry-cleaners, Jack Russell terriers)!
There you have it, another _____ (lewd, intoxicated, bestial) round of Mad Lib-erals! Please ______ ( join, yank, shiveree) me next week to_____ (guillotine, infest, lobotomize) another innocent minority group as we _____ (play, saute’, fornicate) Mad Lib-erals!
By Marjorie Haun 11/13/2011