Barack and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Year
I was so happy to be president again. I leaped into my second term so happy because I thought I could do what I wanted with all my toys, like Air Force One, the Rule of Law, and the national economy. First I tricked the creeps in Congress into voting for keeping us from going off the Fiscal Cliff! Ha ha! There wasn’t a cliff to go off of! I tricked those jerks into raising taxes! Hahahaha! Man I was feeling good. In my State of the Union speech I reminded everybody in the whole world how awesome I am, and how government was gonna take care of everything! I was soooo cool! Up there with Nancy Pelosi standing up every 2 seconds and clapping her jiggly butt off! But something horrible happened. Those icky Republicans in Congress called my bluff and voted for Sequestration. I didn’t think they’d go for it! It’s just not fair. So, you know what? I tried to scare the holy s*** out of Americans. I wanted them to think that they were all gonna die because Republicans were being such meanies. But it didn’t work! I tried so hard to make everyone believe that a cut in the rate of government spending was gonna kill them, KILL THEM ALL. Republicans voted for Sequestration and it passed. Nobody died. It’s just not fair! I hate my life. This has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad year. I think I’ll move to Guam.
Boy, was I red in the face after nobody died when I told the whole world that everybody would be killed by the nasty Republicans in Congress. So I decided to make everybody suffer! I closed the White House! It’s my house, I own it, I can do what I want. Then I tried to furlough the airport guys, but NOOOO, the Republicans passed a rotten bill to give airports money so things would be like normal. CRAP, CRAP, CRAP! This is turning out to be a no good, very bad year.
But, I had another plan! I was gonna take away everybody’s guns! But I had to pretend that I know something about guns, which I don’t, which isn’t fair, but I pretended to go skeet shootin’. So, I tweeted a picture of me holding a fake shotgun with photoshopped smoke coming out of the barrel. They even made it look like I was outside, and everybody knows the only time I go outside is to golf. It was so cool. But everybody made fun of it! They said I couldn’t shoot the broad side of Hillary Clinton! I can’t believe that people made fun of me! It’s not fair! I know all I need to know about guns to take yours away! What a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad year this is turning out to be.
Speaking of guns, I had the perfect chance to take away everybody’s guns once and for all! See, last year, right before Christmas all these little kids got killed. Heck, I don’t care who killed ’em, or why, all I care about is that they were killed with guns! Yes! This was my chance to repeal the 2nd Amendment and then I could do whatever I wanted! I worked really hard to get a bill into the Senate. Everybody was behind me. I was gonna win this one. But NOOOOO! The icky Republicans and poopy-head Democrats in the Senate killed my gun control bill! It’s not fair! Why doesn’t anyone like me? I had all these parents of dead kids and stuff. Joe Biden cried, I cried, and boy was I ever MAD! I didn’t get what I wanted! This was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day for me. Maybe I’ll move to Cuba where they like me.
And then Dennis Rodman goes to North Korea and cuddles up with fat little fatso, Kim Jong Un! Hey, I was supposed to do that! He’s my friend and you can’t have him! Rodman blew it for me. He betrayed me. I hate him soooooooo much! And then fat little fatty North Korean guy threatens to blow up the entire country, and I forgot to have a plan to keep him from blowing us up. I forgot, okay? I just forgot. This was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad time for me. I almost moved to China just to show little fat fatty who’s the boss!
And then this very bad thing happened in Boston. A lot of people got killed and even more go their legs blown off. David Axelrod and I were sure it was icky Conservatives that blew up those people. Golly, I was so disappointed that it wasn’t Americans that blew people up, but Islamic Terrorists from Mother Russia who did it. It’s not fair. Why can’t anybody ever cooperate with me? And then we found out that the terrorists were on welfare. I was sooooo mad! I wanted everyone to think welfare is good, and everyone on welfare is a good guy. It’s not fair! Everything I stand for looks so bad and stupid! Why couldn’t the bombers be white guys from the Tea Party? This was a terrible day because I looked stupid! It was the Tea Party’s fault!
Next thing you know, some awful nasty Republicans in the House of Representatives wanted to have hearings on Benghazi. I already told you guys, “there’s nothing to see here.” But NOOOOO, they just don’t trust me. It’s not fair! Now it looks like I was sleeping or traveling to Las Vegas when I should have been giving the order to save those stupid guys in Benghazi. Well, it’s not my fault they got killed. I needed to sleep. I get cranky if I don’t get my sleep. It’s all over, but those stupid Republicans keep bringing up the past. What difference does it make anyway? This is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad year. Maybe I’ll move to Mexico. At least the people there understand me.
Well, just when you think things would get better for me, something happens to make me red in the face again! It’s not fair! The IRS had to go and admit that they were harassing my enemies, you know, the Tea Party, patriotic Americans, Jewish groups, all that stuff that makes my life hard and just keeps me from doing whatever I want! So now, what do you think people will say about me? They all hate me. This IRS stuff was a secret! Benghazi was a secret! But NOOOOO! The people who were supposed to be my friends started blabbing all over the place about this stuff. They can’t do anything right! And it’s their fault that I’m having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad year. I’m moving to somewhere people respect what I do. I’ll think I’ll move to North Korea.
And then those meanies in Syria killed a bunch of people with gas! Gas! Can you imagine how icky that must be? I called that a “red line” that can’t be crossed. I don’t know what that means, but I thought it made me look tough. But you see, I don’t care if they get killed with knives, or bombs, or being burned alive, or having wooden stakes through their hearts, but I think that gas is really bad. So I wanted to make them stop killing people with gas. So I decided to attack Syria, but nooooo! Congress said it would be stupid. And then everybody in the country made me look stupid, making fun of my “red line” and they called me a “pussy” and then that ninny head Putin, POOOOTIN, took over and made it all. Now I don’t have to look tough, cause it’s easy to blame Republicans for everything. If a kitten dies, it’s the Republicans fault. If a grandma get’s constipated, it’s the Republicans fault. If I get the sniffles and die, it’s the Republicans fault. HAHAHA! But really, sometimes I feel like nobody likes and they would like me to run for the president of Syria. This has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad year! Just to show everybody, Putin asked me to be his First Lady. I’m moving to Russia!
by Marjorie Haun 10/1/13
Tags: Alexander and the terrible horrible no good very bad year, Boston bombings, Gun Control, Kim John Un, Krauthammer, North Korea, nukes, Obama failing, Rodman, Sandy Hook Elementary, sequestration