10 Commandments of Liberalism
Good Little Liberals’ 10 Commandments–and then some.
1. Thou shalt have no other gods before big government.
2. Thou shalt not supplant thy god, big government, with unholy written documents such as the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, or the Scriptural Word of That Guy. Thou shalt love, protect, and vote for thy Democrat candidates with all thy heart, might, mind and soul even when they are scoundrels, sex perverts, thieves, liars, phonies, Marxists, or just hideously nasty.
3. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Dear Leader, Barack Hussein Barry Soetero Obama Yo Mama, in vain, or in any way that might hurt his feelings.
4. Remember the Gay Pride Day, Black Heritage Month, Hispanic Heritage Month, Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender Queer Month, Ramadan, and Thank a Union Leader Day, to keep them holy. But on the first day of the week, which is the Christian Sabbath, thou shalt eschew traditional worship, and in its stead, smoke weed in the park with much gladness in thine heart.
5. Honor thy mother, but not thine paternalistic, abusive, oppressive, male chauvinist pig father, for he is a plague upon the land, and for his donor seed shalt thou honor him only.
6. Thou shalt not kill violent criminals, terrorists, child rapists, or murderers. Thou shalt not kill animals for food, even the beasts of cloven hooves, or the chickens or anything like unto the dumb creatures of the barn. But the unborn child of thy womb shalt thou kill if it bring a vexation of inconvenience or embarrassment upon thine house. Thou shalt kill thine infant inasmuch as his image or aspect is displeasing unto to thee. Thou shalt kill the aged and infirm inasmuch as they cannot produce nor add to the riches of thine house.
7. Thou shalt commit adultery, fornication, sodomy, bestiality, pederasty, and all manner of sexual perversity which bringest pleasure unto thee, inasmuch as thou doest not marry in the manner of Father Adam and Mother Eve wherein one man and one woman are united in holy matrimony. Thou shalt teach thy child to fornicate, pleasure himself, and make his bed with that of the same junk. Modesty and chastity shalt thou eschew, mocking those who partake in the communion of boring fidelity and out-dated nuclear family, and calling them “homophobic, antiquated ninny heads.”
8. Thou shalt steal from those whose riches are greater than thine. Thou shalt call upon thine government to rob from the men whose hands produce wealth, that their wealth may bless thine own house. Thou shalt shalt rob from all men through the taxation of the government, that thou shalt succor those whose eschew work, who hate the labor of the field, who will feed upon the riches of another, that their days may be long, leisurely, that they may become obsequious Democrat voters.
9. Thou shalt bear false witness against thy neighbor inasmuch as it be profitable unto thee. Thou shalt slander thine opponent if it be profitable unto thee. Thou shalt lie, fabricate, concoct, and pull out of thy butt all manner of false witnesses against those who oppose thy words, or point out that thou art in error. With thy words thou shalt savagely attack Sara Palin, the Tea Party, and any living thing that thou regardest as a threat unto thy power. Above all else, thou shalt slander That Guy, to say Jesus Christ invented Socialism.
10. Thou shalt covet thy neighbor’s wife to fornicate with her, thy neighbor’s son to molest him, thy neighbor’s property to redistribute it by the sword of the government. Thou shalt covet the wealth of the wealthy, the beauty of the beautiful, and the brains of the smart, insasmuch as thou would take the wealth, mock the beauty, and beat out the brains of thine enemies. Thou shalt encode covetousness into law in the form of a progressive income tax. Thou shalt despise those whose riches thou covetest, heretofore making them thine enemies.
Liberal Addendum: The New Commandments
11. Thou shalt love the planet with all thy heart, might, mind and soul. Thou shalt regard man as a plague upon the world, to be destroyed.
12. Thou shalt hate all vehicles with an internal combustion engine. But thou shalt drive what ever the hell thou seest as good, for thou art above reproach.
13. Thou shalt not use plastic grocery bags, and those who do, thou shalt make thine enemies, scorning them to shame.
14. Thou shalt be politically correct, wherein if thine enemy utterest words of condemnation thou shalt destroy him. But thou shalt speak evil, swear, use potty mouth, mock, deride, insult, undercut, and verbally bludgeon thine enemies with all manner of vulgar speaking.
15. Thou shalt not pledge thine allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, as thine enemies. Thou shalt pick thy nose, finger thy butt, shift upon thy feet, or make ugly faces in the stead.
by Marjorie Haun 7/23/14